Trusting in the process

When it comes to reading, studying, writing, and words altogethe,r two of my favorite things are definitions and quotes.  I love our day and age of memes where we have so many inspirational quotes at our disposal.  But what about meme's we see that are supposed to motivate us, but instead they leaving us wanting more?  Like these....

Blah, blah, blah...they're supposed to inspire me, but all they do is leave me feeling impatient.  I need more to go on here if I'm ever going to be able to trust in this process.
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Probably the #1 rule when you are wanting something to change in your life, or you're waiting out a process, is to have faith, right?  We need to believe in the fruition of whatever the process is, we need to believe in ourselves, and we need to believe in God to get us there.  Again this seems easy and inspirational, but I still need more.  So I looked up verses and found one that I'm going to use as my foundation...the foundation in which I'm going to put my faith in towards my process.  Remember faith comes first!

Isaiah 29:14 (KJV)

Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, even a marvelous work and a wonder.

Check out that word proceed.  In the dictionary the word proceed means:

1. to move or go forward, especially after stopping, 
2. to carry on or continue any action or process
3. to continue one's discourse
4. to go forward in an orderly way

In my walk with God I have had so many periods of stop and go's that I could have easily shrugged this off thinking there's no way I'm going to get there now. But my job is to believe in God, whether or not it takes 1 year, 3 years, or 30 years. What if part of our process is the times of stopping?  What am I going through that He will use later? What if the process is indefinete?  Nowhere does it say God is ever finished with us, so why do I become so impatient when I think it's too late for me?   He is proceeding to do a marvelous work, and since proceeding means moving forward, I have to trust in the process.  

In that definition another word stuck out at me...it's orderly.  The definition for order is:

1. an authorative direction or instruction, command; mandate
2. established sequence or procedure

So again, here is where our faith comes in.  The process has already been set in an authorative direction, and established.  So even when we miss the mark, even when we feel like we have completely gone backwards and will never see the desired outcome we have to remember thats where His grace comes in.  He's already set things in motion, and when we do mess up His grace is there to cover it and get us back on the path again.

Hebrews 4:16 KJV

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. 

  For me, I've really struggled with this.  So many times I've fallen back into old patterns, years can pass without a step forward,  But still..... the direction and command of God has already happened, He's just waiting on me to acknowledge His grace amd forgiveness. then get back to it.  

Ready for a coouple more definitions? How about established? 

 

Establish: 

1. to set in a secure position.
2. to prove

And sequence means: 

1. the number of things or events that follow each other
2. the order in which things occur

Wow! To know that all of that is being done for us (or shall I say already has been done), amazes me.  When we reflect on our lives, the events, the people, the ups and downs, and most importantly our hearts, it's easy to see how God has worked.  Knowing  that I'm in a secure position right now, even though I dont always feel it, is both inspiring and comforting.  So next time you hear someone tell you to trust the process, remember that you are going forward in an established sequence, set in a secure position, in the order in which it's supposed to occur.  

For I Know the Plans I Have for You

It's been 6 years since my last blog post, and almost that long since I've gathered any of my thoughts in writing.  Its actually safe to say that in those 6 years I probably wasn't capable of digging in and even gathering my thoughts in an expressive way at all.  And the reason is.....I was running.  I was running from God, I was running from myself, I was running from the truth, and I was running from life.  I had times where I would stop, sit and try, but I never allowed it to last before I'd take off again.  I'm not even 100% sure of what I was afraid of, all I know is that I was scared, I hurt, and I didn't want to come face to face with anything that would make me take my mask off.  Fear, bitterness, hurt and anger were all my coping skills when I "just cant even" anymore!   They were especially useful towards God.  No matter what mini or mega crisis I was going through, taking it out on God seemed to always be the way they would end.  And somehow I told myself I was better after each one.  I guess the familiarity of resorting back to that coping mechanism?  Or being able to put my mask back on in tact after each crisis, without anyone knowing what was really going on inside of me?  Or maybe it was being able to simply get mad, then split?  Maybe all?  Either way, I was living a lie.  A lie that I would eventually believe and cling to as my truth.  And I would dare you to try and tell me any different back then!  

Now here I am 6 years later looking back on the past.  It's sad to me to really see how much pain I've been in.  Pain that I covered up, drowned out, spat on, lied about, and simply tried to ignore for far too long.  Towards the end I always knew my time was running out.  I knew somehow something was going to give one way or another.  I just didn't know how.  In this time I wasn't necessarily crying out for help, or wanting it to end, I just knew my limit of destruction and self-hatred were reaching dangerous levels.  What I can see now, that I couldn't see then, was that God was still living in me.  His seeds that were planted long ago never died, they were still inside, just dormant.  And one thing I do know about God is that He never changes, neither does His words or promises.  So even despite me, despite the things I said to him....about Him...despite the fact that I most likely broke His heart, He was still working on my behalf.  
The scripture in Jeremiah 29 (one of the first scriptures I was given after God saved me from my younger, wilder days) came bubbling up in my spirit when I first started thinking about writing this. 

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 All along, no matter what stage of life we are in God knows what is in store of us.  He is always there working things out for us.  In spite of ourselves, our masks, our anger, and our hurt, He has a plan for us.  I know that's not always easy to trust, but if we can find those instances in our lives where we know that we know that He's working things in our favor, then we need to cling to it and not run!!  The more we can embrace it. the stronger our faith will grow,  and hopefully to the point of not needing to bring those masks back out again.  

To go back to how I knew my days of running were up...  
It started last September while my father in law was gravely ill in the hospital.  All of the family was in town, including my sister in law and her husband, from TX.  One night I said something to my nephew, who was having a hard time grasping the idea of dying and what happens to us, about heaven. Something to the tone of heaven is not something you understand with your head, you have to understand it with your heart.   The next morning while having coffee, with tears in his eyes,  he asked me if I would take his place on their annual mission trip to Costa Rica the following summer.   He said the minute I spoke to Noah God put it in his heart to send me on the trip instead of him.  It awkwardly took me back because I had no idea he would be that touched by something so simple.  And... also, well....mission trip.  Me going on a mission trip?  The same chic who's been running and cussing God out left and right?  Ha-ha, it made no sense to me.  But after thought and talking it over with my husband I agreed.  I terrifyingly agreed.  This took place in September, and the trip wasn't until June so I still had time to prepare, but how can you really prepare for something like that when you're doing everything you can to run away from God?  I couldn't....I knew my time would soon be up.  And God knew it too, that's why He almost went through the back door to get to my heart.  Yes, God is a gentlemen and would never push Himself on us, but He is also a Daddy and knows when we need rescuing.  

The trip took place during the first week of June.  So God knew almost 9 months beforehand that He was intervening for me.  He loves me that much that He'll plan that many months in advance for my hope and future.  When it came time for the trip I was not the same person I was back in September, but I also was not fully surrendered to Him like I should have been.  I knew that something was going to happen to me during it that would change that, but I didn't know what, or how.  Its now been a week since we've been back home from  Costa Rica and the things that happened to my heart while there have blown me away.  It's not been easy to face all that I have to face, to put the masks down and allow myself to fully feel, and fully be honest with myself, but I'm doing it.  And I'm doing it with a glad heart.  When I look back on all of the faith builders He gave me it encourages me to keep pressing in no matter how heavy the load gets.  Because He is faithful and because He has a reputation to uphold I know that He isn't going to let me down, or allow me to take it all on by myself.  It's awesome knowing that I'm loved that much that He would work on my behalf in spite of how much I hurt Him, or how far back I thought I had slided.  I'm so glad I never gave up....its never too late to lose the mask and allow the real genuine self to shine!!

when "no" = healing

I recently underwent allergy testing, as well as a septoplasty, to try to find the cause of too many months worth of sinus infections In the least, I thought I’d have allergens to grass, pollens, molds…things that were out of my grasp to totally change my exposure to. When the results of my tests came back I was in shock, and in clear denial, of the allergens that were affecting me. I had my hopes on the surgery being the cure all that would be a quick fix to my misery, not the changing my life by eliminating the things that were affecting me fix. I tested positive for cats, dogs, dust, molds, trees, weeds, peanuts, dairy, eggs & wheat. All I could think of was how clearly out of tune I was with my body that I didn’t know how the things I consume on a daily basis, bothered me. Never did I see an immediate reaction after eating peanut butter, drinking milk, or petting my animals. Obviously, that quick fix answer I was looking for was way off the horizon for me.

I did have the surgery done, and it did help a bit, but it hasn’t been the cure I was looking for. So that meant I had to re-examine my reality and ask myself just how much I wanted to feel better. Shortly after finding the results of my tests, I took to Facebook to complain and gripe about how I couldn’t have this and couldn’t have that. One of the responses back was to look at it as a period of giving my body a chance to heal by eliminating the things that bothered me. I liked that idea - but…..was it just another quick fix that I was looking for? Eliminate the allergens for awhile and then I’d be able to eat them again? I started out by eliminating a few things, and picking and choosing what I would allow in, even if I was allergic to it. But something still didn’t feel right. I was still depressed and overwhelmed at the thought of the “I can’t have this anymore” mentality. Eliminating was still such a burden, but at what cost to my body was I willing to pay to have those allergens back in my life just to make it easier on me?

By Gods grace I felt a little bit better by the “pick and choose elimination diet” I had started for myself. And by that same grace, He got a hold of me and asked me “what is My best for you?” I paired that with the statement of how staying away from the foods that were allergens, was healing to my body. Then I realized that I was doing myself a huge disservice by my griping and complaining, and by only eliminating certain things. At this very same time, I had a friend talk to me about asking God for healing from my allergies, and maybe attending a prayer service for deliverance from them. Immediately I knew that wasn’t the plan for me. I knew that God could heal me, but that it wasn’t meant to be a healing of miraculous deliverance. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God can (and does) do those things, but I also know He doesn’t do them all that time. When it is in His will, when it is best for the person who’s sick, He’ll do it that way. But for me, and God’s will for me, I think God wants me to go on a journey with Him.

When I accepted this, and really believed it to be God’s plan, a whole attitude shift happened. All of a sudden I was coming up with easy made up recipes in my head, of foods I could consume, and I didn’t miss the other things as much. And more importantly, I wasn’t griping and complaining as often as before. Instead of resisting the diet plan, I embraced it, and it got so much easier. And God has opened my eyes to that fact that He IS healing me…by giving me His best. His best for my body is to consume a wheat free, dairy free, peanut free and egg free diet. By the time next year comes around I may not have been miraculously delivered from food allergies, but I will have been healed from them. And not only that, I know that I know that by seeking this healing for my physical body, by seeking His best for my physical body, I will be gaining healing in other areas. How much can God grow me up just by disciplining me in the things I should eat for my body? How much more can I learn about seeking Him when I start out here? How many layers can He unpeel and strip away when I am daily leaning on Him and His best for me? It starts with the little things, and then He does the rest.

I am currently on allergy shots for the dog, cat, molds and tree allergens, and although it’s not an easy fix, in a few years my body will have built up enough tolerance that they won’t affect me anymore. As for the foods, the only easy fix is to avoid them altogether. In my own strength and power that is overwhelming, but when I am seeking for Gods best for me, I know that it means a whole lot more than just not having this, and not having that!

Living vs. Surviving

I want to die and let you give your life to me that I might live. –taken from the song, Make My Life a Prayer to You by Kathy Troccoli

Recently I watched a story about Gabby Giffords, the Congresswoman who suffered a gunshot to her brain and survived. I was so deeply inspired by her determination and will to live. She overcame tremendous odds just to survive, and is now overcoming even more odds by just how far she has come in therapy. What is that in her that keeps pushing her through every day? That question cannot be answered by science, or be explained through by DNA. No, you can only look at it and see that it was put there by our Creator. When He created us He gave us something inside that keeps us pushing forward when things are at their hardest. And that’s not all…..

I thought about this concept and how it applied to old life habits that are hard to die on their own, and how I made it to be where I am today. I lived through some areas of trauma as a child, and looking back I wonder how I was able to handle it. I did it because of what my creator placed within me. He equipped me with coping skills to make it to the next level. There are times I’ve been so hard on myself because of the way I've coped with certain circumstances, and I have to stop and remind myself to be grateful that I survived. I think God is ok with us carrying on with the coping skills we acquire in times like that, just as long as we don’t live there. That’s been a hard lesson to learn. So often with me I defined living by coping instead of surviving by coping. They are 2 totally different things. How short are we selling ourselves when we accept our coping skills as a way of life, instead of living a life that could be perfected by Him? As our creator, He doesn’t want to see us stuck in a place of struggle and pain, He wants us to use what we’ve been through as a way out, and way through, not a way of life. He gives us a responsibility to wait for the next level of maturing, once the coping skill has outrun it’s necessity. The best part of that is that He puts the burden on us, He wants us to choose. He’s a gentleman and will not barge His way in our life.

In each moment we find ourselves going through tough times, or places we know we are coping and not living, we should remind ourselves that that level is only temporary. God equips us with coping skills, but He more importantly wants to give us fuller life afterwards…..His life. We get into trouble when we allow the coping skill to become the way we define our life. That’s usually where world patterns begin to form, instead of living a God kind of life. We can only trust in that pattern for so long until it turns into something that hinders us, rather than helps us. We have to be open to Him, and prayerfully tell Him that we’re willing to die to those things in order to have life. Life not defined by a mere existence, but life more defined in a Psalm 18:30 (“As for God His way is perfect”) definition.

darkness cannot drive out darkness

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"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

When we look at how we view ourselves and how we’ve formed patterns throughout our lives, it will be easy to see if we’ve followed darkness or if we’ve followed light. I’m taking a step back and looking at my life from an inner child perspective. Too often we silence that child as we live out the day to day, not consciously, but just because we are focused on going ahead. We have goals, dreams and traits that shape most of our decision making on the forefront, while paying little attention to that inner child, who is basically our foundation as a person.

When the foundation of our life gets started in darkness, it’s something that is very hard to go back to and look at. That inner child that once had a voice, but lost it because of too many painful experiences, becomes someone you want to ignore rather than nurture. So as we live our life and grow, we end up trying to drive the pain deeper and deeper down so we won’t have to face it. We shut the inner child up and leave them stuck there. Thus, every choice or action you think you are making out of light and love, becomes tainted by the darkness. How can we love others when we never really loved ourselves? How can we respect others when we didn’t give ourselves enough respect to rise up and let our voice be heard? How many of our behavior patterns are influenced out of the pained and shunned child within who is really someone we hate?

I have lived my life hating myself, hating almost everything about me. I can give on the surface meanings as to why, but they are not the root. When I take a look back and allow that inner child to rise up, she will say that she is the reason I view myself with such disdain. That small child, who eventually took on everything that was put on her, became stuck. When bad things happened to her and she was faced with choices that were too hard for her, she became shame. As I grew, I didn’t want to take the shame with me so I shut her up and stuffed her down. The more I tried to be rid of the shame, the more I hated that little girl. So in essence I was driving out the hate by hating…..myself.

God recently started shining light on that little girl and slowly allowed me to see her in the light of His love. All it took was a little stepping back on my part to see how stuck and scared she is. When I’ve gone back to my past before, it was always to look at things that happened, or to work on forgiveness. I was able to work through forgiving others and eventually forgiving God, but I never allowed myself to forgive me. And that is the root core of so many issues in my life. I blame her for what others did to her, I blame her for not having a voice, I blame her for the times she did have a voice, and most especially I blame her for just being her. So I’ve lived all of these years trying to be separated from her, but where could she go? I’ve spent so much energy ignoring and hating her, instead of allowing her to complete who I am.

So with Gods light, I’m going to take a journey to rediscover her. I was resistant at first, but God showed me I didn’t have to immediately accept and love her. God simply asked me to get to know her from His heart and to look at her as someone that He loves very dearly. I was able to see and feel His tears as He allowed His love to shine down on her, and show me how much she was hurting. In my own efforts all I was able to do was shine more darkness on her, but with Him who is light, together we can show her the way out of that dark place. I need God and His light to see her better, and God needs me to eventually accept her so that I can finally be complete….in Him, in light, and not of darkness.

Focusing on the Good Focuses Back

If you haven't already read my neighbor story, this blog post may not make alot of sense. So if you haven't yet - read this one first.


On my way out to water the tomato plant, one day this past week, I looked up and saw the most beautiful flower staring at me. I couldn't believe how quickly it opened up, but even more so, I couldn't believe that the flower most closest to our house opened up to have it's face pointing right in our direction!



What a small thing for God to do, but so big in my eyes. He is so close to us and He is always there. All He wants is for us to give Him control on the issues in our lives that we struggle with. I never ever thought I'd find freedom from this one, but step by step it's getting easier and easier.

He is awesome!
He is beautiful!
He is faithful!

Ryan CAN!

In 2005, I attended a leadership course put on by the State of TN, called Partners in Policymaking. It was a great course that gave me knowledge, courage, understanding and acceptance into other disabilities besides autism, and most importantly, self reflection at how I viewed disabilities.
One of the presenters that I saw over that 7 month period was Kathie Snow. Kathie challenged a lot of my thinking; making me laugh at times, mad as heck at times, and sad at times. But the biggest thing she did was to make me look inward into the way I was looking at Ryan. By the time the 2 day session had ended that weekend, my heart was changed.
Earlier this year, five years later, I took the time to write her to tell her just how much. I found out today that she included my letter on her website. I thought I'd share that letter on here because it speaks so much of what this blog is all about - the ups and downs of our journey with autism, and what I've learned because of it.

Go here to read...

And remember - "a green apple is more like a red apple than not!"

Focus on the Good

For the past 2+ years we have been living side by side with neighbors who are really un-neighbors. We've been looked down upon because we have a child who is a little different, and unfortunately, judged because Ryan doesn't behave in terms they find acceptable. It's been very difficult living next door to them...and not being able to escape the everyday reminders of the issues we have with one another. It's been hard to find closure because of the "don't talk to me and I won't talk to you" approach they've forced us to use, and to be honest, it has been a situation of bondage with me. It affected me more than I care to admit and turned me very bitter on the inside. It was also something I let attribute to sending me into a long depression.

Now that I'm seeing the light a little more each day, I am seeing that the monster I once called my un-neighbors aren't as scary as I made them out to be. I'm much less intimidated by them now, and can 94% say that they don't affect me. The situation is something I've really asked God to help me with. I know I can no longer allow the hate I feel towards them to be within me - acknowledging that was the first step. Since then, it's gotten better and better. Last week, God showed me something about the situation that grabbed a hold of me. It had to do with sunflowers, and recently with me, if God speaks sunflowers I know He is up to something good!

He had already been ministering to me about magnifying the good, and to stop focusing so much on issues and problems because they keep the good, that desires to be in me, - OUT!. There is a song on a worship CD, by Kim Hill, that I had been pressing the replay button on constantly. It's called, Be Magnified. And the words play over and over in my head....

When I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes, and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified
Oh Lord, be magnified

When we sing these kinds of cries out to God, really, there is nothing He can't do!

One day I looked out my window and saw the new garden our good neighbor (on the other side of us) had planted. This is the first year he's planted a garden and it has been fun to watch the growth of all the plants, and see the vege's take form. On this particular day, I looked out on the garden and remembered a conversation I had with this good neighbor. I had asked him what kinds of plants were in the garden. After he finished naming off the various vegetables that were in the ground he said, "and I stuck a few sunflowers in there just for the heck of it, even if they really don't fit in with a vegetable garden." When he first made that comment I could do nothing but chuckle on the inside because of my prior sunflower revelations.

After remembering the conversation, God showed me a vision of both of my neighbors, and then asked me to keep my focus on the good neighbor - and to allow the vegetable garden (with those few sunflowers) to be a focal point. He also reiterated to me that there was no need to keep on looking over at our un-neighbors and reliving what had happened with them. He wanted me to know that the more I look on the good, the more the bad gets washed away. I'm guessing that is a round about way to say He want's me to forgive. The thing that is so lovely about it is how much He knows how afraid of that word I am, but going about it in this way didn't seem quite so scary!

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you. Romans 12:2 TLB

Isn't it awesome that we serve a God who will go to such lengths just for us? It's even more awesome to think that in my own strength, I could not make the un-neighbor problem better, but He can...and He is!



The tall stalks in the back are the sunflowers. They haven't opened to show their glory yet, and I know that as I look at them each day, I'll have faith that just as God is growing them up to be unashamed and glorious, He is also doing the same within me. As I grow I will be able to look up, full faced to the Son, and not let little un-neighborly actions affect me - affect my heart. I may not always feel it, but I sure am glad for the little coincidental reminders He places on my path to remind me!

Mud & Muck = Beauty!

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Today I took a walk on the River Walk Trail, on the Harpeth River, in Franklin. When I first started out on the trail the above photos were what I saw along my path. The damage from the previous month's flood was still very apparent. It was surreal seeing how much destruction was still left weeks after the water was at a normal level again.

As I got higher and higher along the path, the view became increasingly better. I eventually got to land that hadn't been impacted by water at all. Soon vibrant green grass, tall trees with green leaves (instead of mud stained leaves), and beautiful bold flowers replaced the brown muck that coated all the leaves and trees on the first part of the trail. It took a bit of walking in dirt, smell and destruction until I got the the beauty of what is - Williamson County. And as I made my way around the bends and turns of the trail, I came to a house with the most beautiful color filled garden in the back. A garden with tall and bright sunflowers standing tall and proud, with their heads held high to their maker! (If you have not already read the previous post titled Sunflowers, Steps & Faith, please read that first!).

I had to stop and chuckle a minute at how ironic (or maybe not) it was to see these flowers after just having such an experience with them days before. Then I stopped and said, "OK, Lord, what is it You are speaking to me now?" I knew it was something in particular because one of the main reasons I chose this trail was to be close to nature to hear Him speak to me louder. I had set out to talk to Him, and the fact that there were sunflowers along my way was no coincidence at all!!

And then I was reminded of the above scripture - I will give them beauty for ashes!

And that was precisely the answer I'd been looking for! I needed to know there was a way out of some of the pain my journey had led me on. I needed to hear that it won't always be so hard. And, wow, did I ever get an answer!

You see, there are times in our walk where we will step in muddy trails, where destruction and chaos may be all around; but keep on walking, keep on climbing because soon the gardens and beauty will appear! When I started out on the trail it seemed like there was nothing around me but flood damaged surroundings; and I had to climb a ways out of it until I eventually reached the beauty of nature. The more I climbed the better it got. What if I had only went in a ways and thought, "this is all there is - I'm picking another trail"? I would have missed the beauty of the gardens, and more importantly, I would have missed His personal message to me - the sunflowers.

It's only been a short time that I've come back to the Lord, and honestly it has been a hard path; but I knew, when I started, that I had to stick with it. Something has always kept me wondering - this can't be all there is, there has to be more? And that is the path that I've been following - there is something enticing me to keep on going - that something is knowing that I know, that God is a good God and has more for us than mud and muck. Everyday I see beauty and answers that I would have missed if I gave up as soon as it got hard or dirty. And everyday I tell myself that it is worth it!

Just as beauty is promised for ashes, or joy for mourning, you can count on the answers you need if you are going through the mud lined trails of your journey. The answers are not far ahead; just stick with it and I'm certain the beauty at the end will be well worth the dirt under your feet!

Psalm 30:5

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Sunflowers, Steps & Faith

Isaiah 25:1

O, Lord, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,for in perfect faithfulness

you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

The past few weeks I have slowly been getting reaquainted with the real me - my heart. I gave God the invite to come back into my heart and take control. Since then, His faithfulness in showing me how much He loves me has been overwhelming; it has carried me through when I didn't want to take another step forward. One of the things He's done to capture me, and pull me in, is to show me His gentleness....along with His faithfulness.

I'm amazed by how carefully He plans for us, lines things in order for us, makes provisions for us, just because He wants us to know that He is there...for us.

I have a personal "for us" story, a story that started with a sunflower....and The Garden. Mrs. P., one of my former teachers, has been ministering to me about the sunflower.

Characteristics of the sunflower:

• glorious
• full faced to the Son
• unashamed
• transparent
• known for it's bountiful seed production.

There were many times when my head was sunken low in shame and defeat that I would think about the sunflower having an open face to the sky - to it's creator, and it would encourage me to keep my head up...and more importantly, to not give up! I practiced this a couple of times and it worked. It was a great reminder for me to remember to keep on going!

Soon after the sunflower reminder was planted in my heart, the time came to take our weekend getaway we planned months prior, to a retreat for special needs families. As the days approached for us to leave, I had alot of anxiety about stepping out of my shell and meeting new people. Still, because of how my walk with the Lord had been forming, I knew it was something that had supernaturally been lined up for such a time as this! And I got that reassurance on the day we left while checking my facebook page. A blog post from Whole Foods appeared in my feed about......sunflowers! It reassured me that He was with me, and that I needed to trust Him. I'm not saying it was easy to do, I'm just saying I knew that I was not alone - that I had backup!

When we got to the camp site later that day, I almost didn't want to get out of the car. So much of me wanted to turn around and go back to my comfy house where I was safe inside of my bubble. In those quick moments of anxiety it is easy to forget the reminders telling us that we are where we are supposed to be. I lost the battle of wanting to leave when out walked someone to greet us - I had to get out of the car! I did it afraid, but still -I did it! And looking back I realize that it is sometimes good to do things afraid. Part of my willingness to carry through with what I was afraid to do was showing the Lord that I was committed, and that I trusted Him - I was trusting Him enough to step outside of me to see what He had in store. When we were shown the cabin we were going to be staying in for the weekend, I was immediately drawn to a vase of flowers on the mantle. And by now you can probably guess what kind of flower they were - yep, sunflowers!

Seeing those gave me such a charge. I knew that I was taking the right steps forward - the steps of faith. There is nothing more boosting to your faith than seeing the confirmations! So that vase of sunflowers became one of my focal points for the weekend. There were times that I was as scared as can be to step out. I wanted to use that cabin as a shell and didn't want to leave it, yet those flowers were right there, next to the door, beckoning me out - telling me I had backup..to just do it! And again, I did it afraid - and again, it wasn't all that bad! I was able to work through my fear instead of giving in to it. Why? Because I had backup! Each step I took was faith, and in each step He was right there! Working through fear, with Him guiding me, is so much easier than working through fear all alone. When I do it alone I end up hiding, but when I do it with Him it leads to freedom!

On the last day of our stay, I finally began to get somewhat comfortable. My heart opened up considerably compared to the first day, and I could sense that God had His hand all in our weekend! The small steps I took, like getting out of the car on the first day, grew into bigger steps on the last day. I was able to open up enough and follow the direction God was leading me to. Each step he brings us on leads us to a place where we can be like the sunflower - transparent, unashamed, glorious and full faced to the Son! That is His heart for us!

Days later I heard greater confirmation about the sunflowers. Yes, that is how good God is! I simply emailed one of the hosts a link to website we had discussed. Out of that a correspondence grew, which led to the revelations of God's busy hand. Come to find out the sunflowers that were on our mantle were really not supposed to be there. They were actually meant for the tables in the pavilion room, but the hosts were not aware of that, so they put them on the mantles in the cabins. WOW, how awesome is that? He loves us so much that He would create accidental steps such as these, just for us!

One of the things that was said to me during the retreat was: "when we recognize His blessings, small or large, we recognize His love and it makes it so much easier to put one foot in front of the other when we really don't feel like it!"

So I encourage you to look for those reminders, look for the blessings - He's got them out there just for you!

Our Yard

Here is video of the flooding we are having in our yard. I'm so thankful it is not as bad at it is in Nashville, Franklin and other towns. The damage is so widespread here, in TN....so very, very depressing.

Hand In/Hand Over Hand

Dave and I have been looking at our wedding pictures a lot since the death of his best friend. Dave's friend, Darren, was the best man at our wedding. While looking through photos and reliving the memories from that day, I noticed a picture of me with a very close friend, Sam. The picture was taken right after Sam gave me my wedding handkerchief. Sam has known me on and off since I was around 11 years old. She has been a lifesaver to me throughout my life, and it meant the world to me that she was there for my wedding.

I have looked at this picture many, many times over the past 9 years, but have never looked at it the way I did the other day. Take a look at our hands. We are holding hands, you might say. Yes, but there is more to it than that. If you take a closer look you might see that she is holding one of my hands, and I am holding one of her hands. That really, really struck me and got me thinking deeper about friendships, and especially now, after Dave just lost his best friend.

One of the things that keeps friends together for so long is that they are there for each other. I think it would be more than fair to say that Sam has been there for me many more times than I've been there for her. And looking at that picture is a huge reminder that I need to reciprocate to her (and all of my friends) more often. We all have friends that do so much for us, but how much are we giving back? There are so many people in my life that I take for granted. It's easy to take and take, but how often am I leaving myself open for someone to take from me? I don't want to be someone who always has their hand held, I want to be one that reaches out to hold a hand.

One of the definitions of friendship is: friendly feeling or disposition. Hmmm, I'm not crazy about the friendly feeling one. Looking deep within I can see that there have been times I didn't "feel" like being a friend. And to me, that is not what friendship is. Now, the disposition part I like. If I stay in that disposition despite my feelings, than that, to me, is more of a friend. So remember next time you are with your friends, get in position- one hand in, one hand over!

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A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. ~Douglas Pagels

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Balance

Balance. One of the definitions for it is: mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgement, etc.

Autism. Sometimes the definition I can use to most describe this word is the exact opposite of emotional stability, mental steadiness or calm behavior. When combining the two words - balance and autism, mental steadiness is always hoped for, but somehow still rarely ever achieved. There is just something about autism that makes it seem like it knows when to push the envelope, push the buttons or cut through tape.

And I'm not referring to someone who has autism, but the whole picture of what autism is. One of the things Dave and I strive for when raising Ryan is balance. Every decision we make about therapy, outings, meals and family issues have to be carefully weighed so the scale doesn't tip too far one way or the other. There are numerous therapy avenues we have declined due to the impact on the whole family, especially to our youngest child. If we mostly focused on one family member what would happen to the other 3? So while we try to do all we can for Ryan, one of our rules is to not let what we do negatively impact the rest of the family.

As the boys have grown, one of the things that seems like it is getting more off balance is how much we have to tighten the rope for Nathan, but still need to give Ryan more slack. Quite a few times Nathan has become jealous of Ryan because Ryan has gotten out of something that Nathan was forced to do.

We started really teaching Nathan about Ryan's autism last year when he was around 5. I think he always knew Ryan was a little different, but never knew exactly why, and frankly I don't think it ever mattered to him. But in fairness, it was time for Nathan to know there was a reason why Ryan acted a little differently, that it had a word, and that it was the reason why things weren't balancing out the same way - for Ryan or for us. As time went on we were able to show Nathan just how Ryan's autism affected him, how it made him perceive things around him differently. That it wasn't just him being bad, being funny or being mean, but that he was reacting differently because he was taking everything in differently. Nathan has always been a fast learner, and although he didn't always like to be reminded about autism, he soon got it. I can remember so many times telling Nathan, "remember Ryan has autism so it's going to be a little different for him." "No, it's not fair but that's just the way that it is."

So now Nathan is 6 and I think he totally understands when Ryan is having a moment due to his autism. He's very perceptive and recognizes when Ryan may need some backup, in whatever fashion that may be. I'm always amazed when I see it at work in him, but really, the thing I'm seeing work in Nathan now is balance.

Websters definition of balance may not be very realistic in my world right now, but I will never stop striving for it. Just the other day I was in a frantic and frustrated mood because I couldn't stay on my schedule due to having to stop numerous times to make sure Ryan hadn't run off. The last time I checked on him I didn't see him, only his bike in the neighbors yard. This only increased my frustration and I said a few things under my breath that I wish I could take back. Just so happened that Nathan picked up on what was going on with me. He looked at me and simply said, "Moommm, autism." Nathan knew Ryan needed his back, and he knew that mom simply needed to be reminded that it wasn't Ryan acting out and running away. Wow, if that is not balance working I don't know what is!

Ryan in Cub Scouts

Ryan started Cub Scouts this year. They have been accepting and understanding of Ryan's autism, and are willing to modify and work with him on his level. So far he loves it, but we have to work extra hard at home, on top of his school work and therapy, for him to memorize and do the tasks.
We thought he would be protest wearing the uniform, but it was just the opposite - he loved it and we could tell that he felt proud with it on. Today they had a bike parade; all of the Scouts had to decorate their bikes and bring them in for a parade. Again, we thought he would protest having his bike "different", but he went along with it very well.
The hardest part is sitting through the meetings, but they allow him to take sensory breaks and pick his own seat, even if it is on stage!! Here are some pics from today.

He didn't even mind wearing his helmet - which is always a fight at home.

Ryan's Nashville Preds Bike

Nathan and I made a Cat in the Hat bike

A visit to Mimi & Papa's house

Ryan with Gigi (great grandma). Gigi is 94 and still gets around enough to shop for clothes for the boys. We can always count on a shirt or two at every visit. Ryan's always been real tender when it comes to Gigi.










Nathan is either a ham for the camera, or want's nothing to do with it. He's so tempermental, that one! It looks like Papa is trying to straighten him out!

Nathan on Mimi's lap. Nathan can do from bear to kitten in a matter of minutes!

The Doo Rag

Ryan has been playing around with Nathan's doo rag lately. Last night he came down the stairs wearing it like this.....
He had to walk in the bathroom to check out what he looked like in the mirror.


















We turned it around and showed him what he looked like whe he wore it the right way. What do you think? Tough enough?

Great PSA of autism myths

http://www.nomyths.org/

The "No Myths" PSA offers a refreshingly positive and optimistic view about life with autism. And it was written and performed by people who should know--individuals who are on the autism spectrum themselves. The purpose of the PSA is to tell society that, with the right supports, people with autism can do anything anybody else can do, even if it isn't in the same way. Ari Ne'eman, president of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, leads a cast that includes {in order of appearance} Dena Gassner, Ben Liske, and Jacob Pratt. The Dan Marino Foundation of Weston, FL sponsored the piece, which was filmed by Nashville-based Kent Creative. Jon Kent directed the PSA and Britt Simmons was the Director of Photography. "No Myths" was filmed inside the Parthenon in Nashville, TN. The Nashville Parthenon, which was built in 1897, is a full-scale replica of the ancient Greek Temple. The two bronze doors, used as a symbol throughout the PSA, weigh 7.5 tons each, and are thought to be the largest pair of matching bronze doors in existence. The producers wish to thank Citation Film Support and the Filmworker's Club of Nashville for their generous support of this project. View production stills. Photography by Glen Rose.

Christmas pics

Our attempt at Gingerbread house. The boys had a lot of fun putting the candies on - almost as they're having now picking them off and eating them.

Nathan insisted that EVERY Reindeer had to have his own carrot, so we ended up putting the whole bag on the plate.

They love the stilts!

Nathan more into opening presents than having a camera in his face!

Their big gift from Santa was a drum set. Now lessons are in order, as well as a soundproof drum cage!

our first snow

view from our back deck.

I've been so behind in blogging over the holidays - Thanksgiving and getting ready for Christmas has kept me incredibly busy, but I didn't want to neglect to post pics of our first real snowfall this year. It came very early for the Nashville area. If I remember the weatherman correctly, this was the first significant snow for December in the past 8 years. The snow fell on Dec. 11 and was enough snow to cancel school the next day. We're only talking about 2-3 inches, but 2-3 inches in these neck of the woods is a pretty significant snow fall! I love that we are out of the city now and can enjoy a little more snow when it does snow. Even though we are further south from Nashville, we are out of the bowl that Nashville is and can enjoy more weather events.

Nathan was very, very sick the day and day after it snowed, but here he is 2 days later, just before the snow all melted, building a snowman with dad.

The boys first Preds game

We took the boys to their first Preds hockey game on Tues. I wasn't sure how long they would stay entertained for, but they made it through the whole game. It was so cute watching them clap and get into the rants. Thankfully, Nathan thought everyone was saying "you're stuck" when the "you suck" chants were being screamed! And Ryan asked if he could go skate on the ice when when the players all came out!! Our seats were 6 rows back from the ice so we had great shots of the puck going back and forth as well as up close views of the action packed fights! It turns out popcorn and cotton candy do have times of being a good thing as it helped them sit still a little longer. Poor Nathan was just beginning his leg of being sick and needed to rest his head at times, but he had the best time in spite of not feeling his best. The Preds lost, but still managed to take advantage of one of their power plays. Overall the game was exciting and a great first time experience for the boys.

Poor boy!