For I Know the Plans I Have for You

It's been 6 years since my last blog post, and almost that long since I've gathered any of my thoughts in writing.  Its actually safe to say that in those 6 years I probably wasn't capable of digging in and even gathering my thoughts in an expressive way at all.  And the reason is.....I was running.  I was running from God, I was running from myself, I was running from the truth, and I was running from life.  I had times where I would stop, sit and try, but I never allowed it to last before I'd take off again.  I'm not even 100% sure of what I was afraid of, all I know is that I was scared, I hurt, and I didn't want to come face to face with anything that would make me take my mask off.  Fear, bitterness, hurt and anger were all my coping skills when I "just cant even" anymore!   They were especially useful towards God.  No matter what mini or mega crisis I was going through, taking it out on God seemed to always be the way they would end.  And somehow I told myself I was better after each one.  I guess the familiarity of resorting back to that coping mechanism?  Or being able to put my mask back on in tact after each crisis, without anyone knowing what was really going on inside of me?  Or maybe it was being able to simply get mad, then split?  Maybe all?  Either way, I was living a lie.  A lie that I would eventually believe and cling to as my truth.  And I would dare you to try and tell me any different back then!  

Now here I am 6 years later looking back on the past.  It's sad to me to really see how much pain I've been in.  Pain that I covered up, drowned out, spat on, lied about, and simply tried to ignore for far too long.  Towards the end I always knew my time was running out.  I knew somehow something was going to give one way or another.  I just didn't know how.  In this time I wasn't necessarily crying out for help, or wanting it to end, I just knew my limit of destruction and self-hatred were reaching dangerous levels.  What I can see now, that I couldn't see then, was that God was still living in me.  His seeds that were planted long ago never died, they were still inside, just dormant.  And one thing I do know about God is that He never changes, neither does His words or promises.  So even despite me, despite the things I said to him....about Him...despite the fact that I most likely broke His heart, He was still working on my behalf.  
The scripture in Jeremiah 29 (one of the first scriptures I was given after God saved me from my younger, wilder days) came bubbling up in my spirit when I first started thinking about writing this. 

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 All along, no matter what stage of life we are in God knows what is in store of us.  He is always there working things out for us.  In spite of ourselves, our masks, our anger, and our hurt, He has a plan for us.  I know that's not always easy to trust, but if we can find those instances in our lives where we know that we know that He's working things in our favor, then we need to cling to it and not run!!  The more we can embrace it. the stronger our faith will grow,  and hopefully to the point of not needing to bring those masks back out again.  

To go back to how I knew my days of running were up...  
It started last September while my father in law was gravely ill in the hospital.  All of the family was in town, including my sister in law and her husband, from TX.  One night I said something to my nephew, who was having a hard time grasping the idea of dying and what happens to us, about heaven. Something to the tone of heaven is not something you understand with your head, you have to understand it with your heart.   The next morning while having coffee, with tears in his eyes,  he asked me if I would take his place on their annual mission trip to Costa Rica the following summer.   He said the minute I spoke to Noah God put it in his heart to send me on the trip instead of him.  It awkwardly took me back because I had no idea he would be that touched by something so simple.  And... also, well....mission trip.  Me going on a mission trip?  The same chic who's been running and cussing God out left and right?  Ha-ha, it made no sense to me.  But after thought and talking it over with my husband I agreed.  I terrifyingly agreed.  This took place in September, and the trip wasn't until June so I still had time to prepare, but how can you really prepare for something like that when you're doing everything you can to run away from God?  I couldn't....I knew my time would soon be up.  And God knew it too, that's why He almost went through the back door to get to my heart.  Yes, God is a gentlemen and would never push Himself on us, but He is also a Daddy and knows when we need rescuing.  

The trip took place during the first week of June.  So God knew almost 9 months beforehand that He was intervening for me.  He loves me that much that He'll plan that many months in advance for my hope and future.  When it came time for the trip I was not the same person I was back in September, but I also was not fully surrendered to Him like I should have been.  I knew that something was going to happen to me during it that would change that, but I didn't know what, or how.  Its now been a week since we've been back home from  Costa Rica and the things that happened to my heart while there have blown me away.  It's not been easy to face all that I have to face, to put the masks down and allow myself to fully feel, and fully be honest with myself, but I'm doing it.  And I'm doing it with a glad heart.  When I look back on all of the faith builders He gave me it encourages me to keep pressing in no matter how heavy the load gets.  Because He is faithful and because He has a reputation to uphold I know that He isn't going to let me down, or allow me to take it all on by myself.  It's awesome knowing that I'm loved that much that He would work on my behalf in spite of how much I hurt Him, or how far back I thought I had slided.  I'm so glad I never gave up....its never too late to lose the mask and allow the real genuine self to shine!!