Enjoying the Moment

As a reward for sitting still during their haircut, I took the boys to the waterpark to splash around afterwards. The waterpark has been a favorite spot for Ryan ever since he was a little tot. It's fulfilling to watch the boys play and enjoy the simple things that being a child brings. Ryan is a little different, though, and watching him play is a little more rewarding.

As I kept my eye on him to make sure he didn't escape, or didn't use his "gentle hands" with another child, I noticed a far more positive thing instead. I noticed him thoroughly enjoying the simple things in life, and that only. When I carefully watched his moves and the reactions on his face I didn't see him wonder what others thought. I didn't see him trying to impress other kids by what he could do. He was simply enjoying the moment - for himself.

Many times people have asked me what Ryan's special gift or talent is. After all, isn't every child that has autism supposed to be gifted in some area? That is so often what people think of when they first hear the word autism. Yes, Ryan does love music. And yes, Ryan is very smart, but that could be with any kiddo around. If I had to answer that question after today I would say that Ryan's gift is in enjoying life and all that it brings. He is not bothered by the same cares you and I have, or bothered by how things look. He is all about enjoying the simple things.

If you were to watch Ryan play at the water park you would notice that he doesn't "look" like the other kids. He runs, dances, laughs, plays and almost interacts with what he is experiencing....the fun of the water. He is not worried about making friends, what the other kids will think of him, being the first one to the water sprayers, or what kind of towel he has. Ryan is just simply enjoying the moment and taking in what the moment can give him.

What a lesson that can be for all of us. I, myself, am always wrapped up in the cares of life and forget to just enjoy the moment. Thank you, Ryan, for helping me to slow it down.

Hope

One of my favorite songs out now is "Hope" by Jack Johnson. There is a line in the song that reads:

Its gonna get that the best of you

Its gonna lift you up and let you down

It will defeat you then teach you to get back up

After it takes all that

You learn to love

To me, that line, and the whole song, speak directly to life. It's so true that life has a way of lifting you and then letting you down until you end up feeling defeated afterward. But...do you end up getting back up? It sometimes seems like an eternity from the point of the actual let down to the point where you decide to get back up. In that period of time, emotions, fear, frustration, tiredness, insecurities...I could go on and on...have a way of being the main focus of life. It's often difficult to keep the focus that those things are only temporary. You think because of the disappointment, you've been robbed, but the place to look is beyond and not at.

These past few days have been toughies for me. I've sat staring into space wondering how I was going to make it another day. My emotions have been reeking havoc on me and leaving me to feel like I was a defeated miniature version of me. Somewhere in that state, I found the grain of hope big enough to motivate me out. I knew I could not waddle in that place for too long. It sucks the very light and life out of you.

Another line:

The shadow is on the move

And maybe you should be moving too

Before it takes away all that you learned to love

It will defeat you and then teach you to get back up

Cause you don't

Always

Have to hold your head

Higher than your heart

There is the hope. There is the place that you get back up. There is the place where the spark ignites and you say, "NO, I will not let you take away what I know as love." Sometimes it is not easy to understand just why you become so defeated. It often feels like a spin. Once you land you can't help but ask yourself how you got there. Sometimes I drive myself mad trying to find out. I tell myself to not dwell on it for too long, though, because I then can then look forward to the mysterious way it always pulls me out. That thing that motivates is sometimes not easily seen. So just let it rest, I tell myself, and learn and grow from it. The flip side of that is - it would be such a wise thing to gain the knowledge and wisdom for the next time so you don't repeat the very thing that gets you in defeat mode. That could very well be what this song is saying - "after it takes away all that you learn to love." Could it be that I'm loving the wrong things? Could they be responsible for the tailspins? There is good and bad in that line, I believe.

Another line:

It will teach you to love what you're afraid of

After it takes away all that

You learn to love

But you don't

Always

Have to hold your head

Higher than your heart

How many times do our heads get in the way from what our hearts are telling us. I know from personal experience that I have pushed aside what my heart said and gone with my head. The heart is where the hope is. Even when things don't seem to make sense when you first look at them, when you go with your heart, the hope and faith that is involved seems to make a way.

A definition for hope is: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. That feeling is when the grasp becomes tight and you don't want to let go for anything in the world. That is what hope is for me. Even the smallest grasp can keep you dangling and holding, just long enough to pull you over. That's what I love about hope - it doesn't take too much of it to keep you alive. But when it is all said and done, the payoff is doubled, even trippled of what the little shred was that you were holding on with.

Today I found the strength to get back up. I don't know where it came from, but I grasped on as tight as I could and felt myself rising higher and higher until I came to the place that I was over the wall...over the hurdle of constant emotions. Now I can look forward to the payoff...after I get some rest, that is.

On a side note, I find it inspiring that my grandmother's (who had one of the greatest hearts I've ever known) name was Hope. She taught me a lot about life and love. I think she'd be here cheering me on now and pointing to the line telling me to keep my my heart above my head.

The Wiggles

We took the boys to see the Wiggles concert tonight. Some of you may already know how much Nathan has LOVED the Wiggles the past few years. They were the first show that he really got into and when he did, he was HOOKED. I can't count the number of times I have sung "Fruit Salad" or Hot Potato" or have pointed my finger and done the twist with Nathan in our living room or car.

The last time we saw them, 2 years ago, we all ended up enjoying the show so much that we vowed the next time they were in town we would get better than balcony seats we had the first time. So after spending our almost live savings (ha!), we did just that and bought better seats. To see the boys faces made it worth it a hundred times over. Dave and I had been excited all day in anticipation of the show. The boys have been counting down the days for 2 weeks, so it goes without saying how much they were looking forward to it.

When they drove out in the "Big Red Car", I couldn't help but to start crying. I am such an emotional loon! But to see them so close was a bit surreal. I wouldn't call it The Beatles craze, but I understand a little of why people become overcome with emotion during concerts. It was seeing the looks on the children's faces, especially my own, that got to me, as well. And most importantly, it was the gratitude I had for these group of guys for being such a huge part of my kids lives these past years. They've literally spent more time in my living room than almost any physical outside person has.

To be an earshot from the stage AND to have Sam, Jeff and Anthony walk right past us were the highlights of the night. For about an hour and a half we sang, clapped, laughed, danced and enjoyed the childlike kind of joy that is so needed in this crazy life. It was such a good night.

Thank you Murray, Anthony, Jeff and Sam (and Greg) for being a big part of the memories I'll take away from the boys early childhood years. Thank you for what you mean to them, and for helping 2 parents to have fun!

growing too fast

These boys are growing way too fast. Ryan will be entering 1st grade and will soon be 7. Nathan is still in Pre-K, due to his late birthday, but he will soon be 5. Ryan's face, especially, is changing so much into a boy. It's hard to see his baby days on him anymore. His smile is starting to become so much different due to his big teeth being there.

Nathan is still the chunka munka that he is, which helps in keeping his innocent baby fat! But, he too, is growing faster than I can stop. Where did those babies go?

Foundation the Dog

Getting a dog has been something we've been tossing back and forth for awhile now. I am anxious to get one, while Dave has more reservations about it. It's been on my mind a lot, especially seeing Ryan interacting so well with Gimli. A cat is just not the best animal for a boy to play with, or get that back and forth engagement with. But I know that I need to wait for the right time when both of us are comfortable with it. I know that I'll know when that time comes. I hope it is sooner than later.

Last night I had a dream that we had just gotten a new dog. He was white and his name was Foundation. Foundation is such a strange name for an animal, but it had a lot of depth to it. This morning I've been really thinking on that name and how it has a couple of different meanings for us.

The first is the obvious one. A definition of foundation is: the act of founding, setting up, establishing, etc. Establish. That word establish made me think to slow down a bit. That there is some kind of setting up process that needs to take place before our right dog comes. It could either be on our side of the dogs. A definition for establish is: to found, institute, build, or bring into being on a firm or stable basis. So in essence, our dog (foundation) is being established (is finding) his way to us.

The other meaning it had to me was this one. With the definition of foundation being establishing, it reminded me of the scripture that Dave and I took as "our scripture" before we got married. It is Psalm 90: 12-17.

12So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.
13Return, O LORD, how long? and let it repent thee concerning thy servants.
14O satisfy us early with thy mercy; that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
15Make us glad according to the days wherein thou hast afflicted us, and the years wherein we have seen evil.
16Let thy work appear unto thy servants, and thy glory unto their children.
17And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.

There's that word establish again. And in this time it is reminding me of our prayer then. To establish our marriage and everything that comes from it. So in this meaning, I'm taking away that the dog represented a lot of what our life has been lately. A new beginning. A new house and lots of work to it. Yesterday most of the work was completed. Remember part of the definition of establish was: bring into being on a firm or stable basis. Maybe things are on track to being stable again? Maybe that dog was in my dream to tell me yes.

The Mountain

So many of my days lately are spent with me replaying the message of, "keep your chin up", in my head. This week I've had a sinus infection and have felt like doing nothing other than staying in my cozy bed watching HGTV and Little House on the Prairie. I can't tell you how Little House on the Prairie is my Chicken Soup for the Soul. It's my comfort show. But, with 2 small boys who have the energy of a hurricane, there is no time for staying in bed. So I've had to push through these days and tell myself to "keep my chin up" despite how I feel. Yesterday was a little bit easier than today. Today my body says no more.

As that message has been playing in my head, I thought about the first time I ever climbed Mt. LeConte in the Smokies. For some reason, the physical reminders of me keeping my chin up are A LOT easier to recall, and become motivated from, than the emotional times. The first time I hiked it was in 2005. Dave and I were in the Smokies on our anniversary getaway and were only planning on doing a day hike to the half way point of LeConte. Dave had hiked LeConte many times in the past and after hearing the stories of the climb, I didn't think my bad knee would let me climb that high in one trip. So I took the easy way out (not the first time) and said "because of my bad knee", because of this....because of that....because of how I feel -I CAN'T. Those "becauses" have proven to be my biggest challenge, nothing that I am attempting or working through, but my own self thinking of "I can't".

Dave settled for "because" and was happy with only going half way then. So up we went, to set out on our hike of about 2 1/2 hours. Except, when I got to my goal, to my destination, I found that I wanted more. That I wanted the challenge of going up. I think the deciding factor was finding out that the only way to get a LeConte "I hiked it" shirt was to actually go up there and buy it. That motivated me enough for the challenge. So after a bit of rest, we continued on. Up the mountain we went. I had no choice but to keep my chin up. I was looking up. Up to my goal, to my destination...the mountain...my mountain. Up to the place where only I could take myself. Nobody could do this for me. It was pure will...my will.

And 5 hours and 2,700 ft. later, we made it to the top of that mountain. To the place where keeping my chin up and focused brought me to. My will and drive was driven enough to carry me to the top. Sure I hit rough spots along the way, but my eye was still focused on the prize. And by having my eye on the prize, my chin had no where to go, but up.

Since then, I have hiked LeConte 2 additional times. We would have done it again this year if it had not been for moving and not being certain of plans and finances. I am the most proud of myself when I am on those trips. I am able to see, feel, hear, taste and touch where it is exactly that I came from. To come to the end and experience that victory is the ultimate experience. I just wish it could always be that easy to experience the journey in other situations, especially when it comes to growing and maturing in this thing called life.

By applying my experience of the mountain, I am learning that by setting goals and looking toward them, my chin has to look up. If I keep my eye on the goal, my chin will follow and I will be a more productive, confident person. Goals give us purpose, and purpose makes us happier people. So this is my reminder to keep on setting goals and to stick with them.

Respite

I call this Gimli's idea of soakin' in the tub! Lately, Ryan has been obsessed with Gimli, and won't leave him alone. For a cat the thought of a 6 year old nagging at you all day is a bit extreme. Ryan has never not had a cat in his life, but it has taken him this long for him to not be afraid of them. And for Gimli, he has always known Ryan and this sudden show of attention is not his idea of a "cat walk."

I'm glad that he is finally taken an interest in him and is showing less fear. His favorite thing to do is brush him. My least favorite as he leaves little black clumps of fur everywhere. He likes to bring Gimli his bowl of food when he is in various places in the house - wouldn't want an already 15 lb. cat to starve!! When Gimli tries to hide on the dining room chairs, under the table, I'll sometimes walk in the room and see two little feet sticking out from under the table. Gimli can't even grab a bite to eat without Ryan's face right next to his bowl watching and giggling as he chews his food. Ryan then gets upset if Gimli does not take a drink of water when he thinks he should. I think that's because Ryan hasn't quite gotten the tongue lick down pat yet - he's still practicing from his own bowl!

I went up to bed the other night to find Gimli cuddled up next to Ryan on his bed. As soon as I walked in his room, I was greeted by a very loud "meeeow, meeeow" as if he were telling me - I'm a good cat, I'm doing my job. I praised him for being a good cat and teaching Ryan how to be a good cat owner. I think he was waiting for me to "discover" him because as soon as I walked out of the room he was right behind me. The little stinker! I couldn't have asked for a more gentler or patient cat when dealing with a kiddo with autism, though. He's been a great cat to have with both of our kids.

Reunion

This is such a beautiful story of unconditional love. Makes me cry everytime I watch it.

Happy Birthday, Grandma

I cannot let the day go by without mentioning that my deceased, sweet grandmother would have been 89 years old today; her name was Hope. She was one of my best friends growing up and such a comfort to me. I always knew just how much she loved me and just how much I meant to her. She used to send my sister and I the most thoughtful gifts just so we knew that she was thinking about us. It wasn't the gifts that mattered so much, it was the fact that she took the time, that she cared enough to, and that we were on her mind.

I loved my grandmother more than anyone in the world, growing up. I feel so blessed to have had that kind of love in my life. She was so selfless, and lived simply. She sacrificed a lot in her life. I feel like, in the end, she sacrificed the most because it was due to her poor health that I was saved from my destructive patterns as a teenager. I know, though, that given the chance, she would have done it all over again.

I love you, Grandma. Happy Birthday!

Lunch

Ryan and I had lunch today with a friend who also has a son with a disability. I usually always enjoy these outings because there is less pressure to "fit in". This lunch outing was a little bit different than the other times we've been out because Jack was much older than Ryan, so it wasn't like a "play date", or anything. It was just a mom and son lunch x 2. This was the first time I had ever met Jack so I was looking forward to it.

Ryan is 6 years old and has been diagnosed with autism for a little over 3 years. In these 3 years, we have been in circles of families of mostly toddlers and preschoolers with disabilities. That has mainly been our bubble. I've gotten to know a few adults with disabilities here and there, but it's never been from a mothering standpoint. I guess it's always been hard for me to picture Ryan past the age of what he already is, into what life may be like for him in the future. So getting to know Jack's mom has been a real treat as I am seeing beyond my short travelled world. And getting to meet Jack proved to be an almost bigger treat (sorry Ginger!).

Being able to look at Jack without the label of being my own son, and the things that I deal with on a day to day level with him, helped to line things into a better perspective for me. Seeing him so happy and passionate about the things he enjoys really opened my eyes into the things I may not be seeing in Ryan because I am so focused on worrying where he is all the time - making sure he doesn't escape. Or being physically tired just trying to keep up with him, or emotionally tired wishing things would get easier. Seeing Jack's passions helps me see Ryan with like passions someday. Seeing that goal is something so much more positive than always being clouded with worry and fatigue. I know Ryan will outgrow a lot of his behaviors and develop interests he will carry on into his adulthood, and it's going to take me to help get him there. And I can't help him get there if I am in constant worry and tired mode.

Another thing I so appreciated about Jack was he is who he is...and that's OK! There was no trying to impress by making up a bunch of bologna. He didn't have to lie to have to cover up anything. He bore his heart, his natural charm (thumbs up!), and some of his fears and quirks all in about an hour or so of time. Because of that I found I was so much more accepting. If only the rest of the world could be that way. Could both be like Jack, and could be more accepting of others differences. Again, he is who he is and it was all OK. On the flip side, I or you, could feel totally comfortable connecting on a personal level with him - person to person, heart to heart. With Jack there is no worry of a hidden agenda - and the rest of the world sees this as "different"????? It baffles me! I see Jack's heart in Ryan, as well. I see it with us, his family, and with people he meets. He has such a big heart and he loves people.

Lunch today has made me reflect on getting back to the basics. On the outside looking in, our sons are what some would not classify as "normal", but sitting at our little booth today, at Jack's favorite restaurant, life was heartfelt and safe. How could that not be normal? At that moment, on the inside looking out, I would have to call life cruel, ignorant, and superficial. As a society, we have turned life that way, and to me, that is not normal. Society has judged people with disabilities harshly and left them out of the picture. Funny how they are the ones who have it all right. It's refreshing to see that it is slowly beginning to change.

I see what a gift our 2 boys are. Without them, how would we know what pure souls are? Thank you for lunch today and for showing me another perspective.

UP

The name of this blog is like a "mother hen" sitting on my shoulders telling me, as I am stumbling throughout my day, "Amy, keep your chin UP...ALWAYS keep your chin up." I hear her playing over and over. There are times I laugh at it when challenges come because it seems so funny. Chin up? Yeah, right! As soon as I pick my chin up something comes along to drop it back down again. But the more I learn to pick my chin up, the more I'm telling those challenges they won't win. The key is continuing to do it when I want to give in. It's staying consistent in the midst of the storms and staying tuned in.
The definition for up is: to, toward, or in a more elevated position. So when my chin is up, I am more elevated than my challenge? I am higher than my challenge? Yes! It cannot beat me down when I purpose in my mind to rise above it, because the challenge is the thing that is down. Literally speaking!
I can hear that mama hen, in my ear now, telling me to not focus on those challenges, but to look above them - to the good. Going back to the definition of up - look to....look toward the goal and toward the good, and not at the bad. The good raises, while the bad sinks. So as I go about my days, it is all about looking towards and looking up. Practice it and let go of the bad.
And appreciate the clucking I hear in my ear.