Past Present and Future

Lately I have been earnestly seeking God, and trying to work through issues that I know bog me down and make me want to run from Him.  It seems like whenever I do though, my past comes up.  There are things in there I've tried to escape my whole life, and I say, "but God do we have to go there?  I'm not ready for that yet."  I have a pattern in life of escaping and numbing to avoid  issues.  However, this time I'm determined to push through.  I won't give up, and I don't want to escape either.  Escaping and giving up look like the same thing, but not always.  In my mind I don't think I'm ready to deal with certain things, but if God keeps bringing it up, I know He thinks otherwise.

And I know that He won't always keep us from pain and suffering, but He will help us get through it.
Romans 5:1-5 says:

 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b]boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

So in those times when I think "I can't" or "it hurts" or "I'm scared"  I have to remember that...
1. He knows my heart.
2. He want's what's best for me
3. He knows more than me.
4. He sent a helper for me in the Holy Spirit and
5. He loves me more than anyone else could.

I also have to ask myself what do I really want?  Do I really want to keep going around the wilderness hiding and escaping from pain, only to find that probably created additional pain by avoiding?  It takes courage, and it takes God's timing for us to be ready to face difficult things, but there's hope at the end if we are just willing to say "I can."  Even if we are afraid, it's better to do it afraid than not do it at all.



This evening my sister in law said something so very profound to me.  She said  "Sometimes our past rules our present to the point that there is no future."  Wow!  I love deep stuff like that.  I knew when she said it that I wanted to break it down and blog about it. If I had an image to go along with that quote I think I woud chose someone trying so hard to cross a lake full of quicksand.  Once you're in the lake that's it, its a do or die moment.  There's not really any turning back, it's already happened so you try and try with all your might to get across, but every muck filled step is a struggle until eventually you drown and you have no future.  This person stuck in the quicksand is also too proud to ask for help, in their own mind they believe they can do it on their own.

 In reality though, if they would only call out for help there would be a way of escape and backtracking.  Backtracking....wait a minute!!  Think of that word and apply it to things not dealt with in your past.  God is so full of grace and mercy that He allows us to go back to that place only to come out a better person.  A healed person, and a whole person.  Thus, instead of struggling through quicksand we now find ourself going forward to our new presents, one that is filled with glorious running shoes, hitting the most perfect texture of ground, each step closer and closer to the future!



So what's my choice going to be?  Do I want to choose mirky quicksand, or do I want to hit the ground running? (no pun inteded 😉)  As hard as it all is, I must reach out, take God's hand and trust where He is leading me.  I know that I know He won't lead me through quicksand.  Even though its umcomfortable at time,s the suffering and pain He guides us through is only temporary.  And the best part is because of His goodnes,s there will be joy in the end.

The other thing that is important to remember is that in our minds we think we cant do certain things, so we escape.  When we escape there's something in us that perceives we are walking away from something that feels threatening.  But that's not who God is.  Theres' a scripture in John that I really love that talks about His peace vs. the worlds peace.  In my own wee bitty brain I think I'm gaining peace by escapping the threat, but that's a lie.  Jesus told us He left HIS peace here for us.  It's a peace that if we could only grasp and cling to it, will get us through.  God works in the supernatural, not the natural.

I wrote this as an encourager for myself, but I hope it also encouraged you.  Don't give up....ever!  And when you're tempted to escape, just remember the quicksand and how it leaves your future bleak.  Cling to Him, cling to the things He's given us as reminders of His love, and His help.  Then picture the runner, full of grace and stamina, heading towards their future!

The Prayer Box

Today Dave and I were able to get away for a morning date where we went out for breakfast and then strolled through the shops of downtown Franklin, TN.  While in one of the shops this little box caught my eye.  The outside was decorated in fabric and ribbon, and simply said "prayer box" on the top.  I opened it to find it was filled with a small pad of paper, a pen, and a message.....this message...

How cute, I thought.  And all day long my thought's about this simple little box have been growing and growing.  Until, now, here I sit, with my Bible open, a study guide open, and my heart open.  Even as I sit here it is growing,.  I hope that it's open enough to stretch to my fingertips, spilling out the lesson God has conveyed to me in through this little box.

When I first opened my Bible today I began looking at the word "request."  It led me to the book of Esther, to Esther 5: 3.

Then the King asked, "What is it, Queen Esther?  What is your request?  Even up to half the Kingdom, it will be given you."

But to know the story of Esther you really should backtrack from this verse, from the point where she  first apporached the King.
 You see, Esther was an orphan, a Jewish orphan in fact,  who at that point in time was trusted very little.  She was adopted by her cousin, Mordecai.  At this point in her life she didn't have much worth, or didn't see her own beauty the way others did.  But Mordeecai encouraged her and she grew in grace and beauty.  Not only her outer beauty, but inner beauty, despite her own insecurities caused by damaged emotions from her past.
Eventually Esther was put in a court to be picked by the King to be the next queen.  And Esther was chosen! The Bible tells us that Esther competed with many other women to become the next queen, but it was God's favor upon her that allowed an orphaned Jewish girl to be picked.  It's our hearts God is most interested in, not in our performance, or false expectations we, or others, may have. I have so many insecurties myself that I all too often fall into the trap of trying to please people, or doing whatever it takes for people to like me.  Esther was chosen by God, in his timing, not of any works of her own, but by favor.

 In chapter 4  we learn that plans are in place to kill all Jews. At this point the king did not know that Esther herself was a Jew, the same people he just agreed to destroy.  Mordecai found ways to beg Esther to go to the king on their behalf. This was a huge thing to ask of her.  Back then nobody went to the king unless they were summoned, and if they did do it they could be put to death.  And yes, this even meant the Queen.  But Esther agreed.  The same person who helped her grow into her beauty and grace also helped her grow into her courage. I imagine she held a lot of respect and trust for Mordecai that made it easier for her to make this decision.  Not anybody who isn't anybody in my life is going to convince me to be that courageous!!
 In  Chapter 4:14 it tells us that Mordecai tells Esther "you have come into a royal position for such a time as this."  Wow...what a weight to carry...and what courage it took to agree to carry it out.   I don't know about you, but I have all too often doubted who I was.  Doubted why I was made and placed here on earth.  In fact, even had anger towards my parents for having me.  Except I know those are the damaged emotions talking because in my spirit I courageously can hear .... "for such a time as this....."

I may not be able to see it now, and I may have to let it sink in, but I HAVE to believe that I was placed here for such a time as this.  I have to believe that God has a plan for me, His chosen, to be placed here preciesely as He sees fit.  One of the things that you and I get to claim, that Esther was not able to, is that we have been redeemed by Christ.  Because he has already died for us, we are part of his bloodline saved and redeemed by the very blood.  Those damaged emotions that Esther could have given in to, that I too often have fallen trap to,  are the same ones that try and rob us of  life and a future.  But like Esther, I am chosen, and like Esther, the more I live by my heart and courage, the more those damaged emotions will be covered up by beauty.

Now lets go back to the part of the story where the king asks Esther what her request was.  Can you imagine the doubt and fear she's had to stand against just to get to this point?  She's even had to put on special robes just to be in the kings presence (in his inner courts.)  As soon as the king saw her the Bible says he was pleased.  Let that sink in.....imagine all of the waring we do within our own minds, but when God looks within us He is pleased.  It says then that the King extended his gold scepter (royal or imperial power or authority; sovereignty) out to Esther, and she approached him and touched it.  How often has God extended out His favor and acceptance on us but we've been too afraid to approach Him?

This is the part of Esthers story I'll end at for now.   When I saw this box today I thought it was awfully cute, but before sitting down to study the word "request" I knew that I had been allowing damaged emotions and my past, to hinder me from stepping forward and accepting his invitation to touch his authority or sovereignty (or prayer box).  It's all too easy to write something down on a piece of paper and then close the box.  But doing it with courage, leading with my heart, and believing that I've been chosen for His soverreignty is when God is really free to answer my prayer.

Phillippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Trusting in the process

When it comes to reading, studying, writing, and words altogethe,r two of my favorite things are definitions and quotes.  I love our day and age of memes where we have so many inspirational quotes at our disposal.  But what about meme's we see that are supposed to motivate us, but instead they leaving us wanting more?  Like these....

Blah, blah, blah...they're supposed to inspire me, but all they do is leave me feeling impatient.  I need more to go on here if I'm ever going to be able to trust in this process.
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Probably the #1 rule when you are wanting something to change in your life, or you're waiting out a process, is to have faith, right?  We need to believe in the fruition of whatever the process is, we need to believe in ourselves, and we need to believe in God to get us there.  Again this seems easy and inspirational, but I still need more.  So I looked up verses and found one that I'm going to use as my foundation...the foundation in which I'm going to put my faith in towards my process.  Remember faith comes first!

Isaiah 29:14 (KJV)

Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, even a marvelous work and a wonder.

Check out that word proceed.  In the dictionary the word proceed means:

1. to move or go forward, especially after stopping, 
2. to carry on or continue any action or process
3. to continue one's discourse
4. to go forward in an orderly way

In my walk with God I have had so many periods of stop and go's that I could have easily shrugged this off thinking there's no way I'm going to get there now. But my job is to believe in God, whether or not it takes 1 year, 3 years, or 30 years. What if part of our process is the times of stopping?  What am I going through that He will use later? What if the process is indefinete?  Nowhere does it say God is ever finished with us, so why do I become so impatient when I think it's too late for me?   He is proceeding to do a marvelous work, and since proceeding means moving forward, I have to trust in the process.  

In that definition another word stuck out at me...it's orderly.  The definition for order is:

1. an authorative direction or instruction, command; mandate
2. established sequence or procedure

So again, here is where our faith comes in.  The process has already been set in an authorative direction, and established.  So even when we miss the mark, even when we feel like we have completely gone backwards and will never see the desired outcome we have to remember thats where His grace comes in.  He's already set things in motion, and when we do mess up His grace is there to cover it and get us back on the path again.

Hebrews 4:16 KJV

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. 

  For me, I've really struggled with this.  So many times I've fallen back into old patterns, years can pass without a step forward,  But still..... the direction and command of God has already happened, He's just waiting on me to acknowledge His grace amd forgiveness. then get back to it.  

Ready for a coouple more definitions? How about established? 

 

Establish: 

1. to set in a secure position.
2. to prove

And sequence means: 

1. the number of things or events that follow each other
2. the order in which things occur

Wow! To know that all of that is being done for us (or shall I say already has been done), amazes me.  When we reflect on our lives, the events, the people, the ups and downs, and most importantly our hearts, it's easy to see how God has worked.  Knowing  that I'm in a secure position right now, even though I dont always feel it, is both inspiring and comforting.  So next time you hear someone tell you to trust the process, remember that you are going forward in an established sequence, set in a secure position, in the order in which it's supposed to occur.  

For I Know the Plans I Have for You

It's been 6 years since my last blog post, and almost that long since I've gathered any of my thoughts in writing.  Its actually safe to say that in those 6 years I probably wasn't capable of digging in and even gathering my thoughts in an expressive way at all.  And the reason is.....I was running.  I was running from God, I was running from myself, I was running from the truth, and I was running from life.  I had times where I would stop, sit and try, but I never allowed it to last before I'd take off again.  I'm not even 100% sure of what I was afraid of, all I know is that I was scared, I hurt, and I didn't want to come face to face with anything that would make me take my mask off.  Fear, bitterness, hurt and anger were all my coping skills when I "just cant even" anymore!   They were especially useful towards God.  No matter what mini or mega crisis I was going through, taking it out on God seemed to always be the way they would end.  And somehow I told myself I was better after each one.  I guess the familiarity of resorting back to that coping mechanism?  Or being able to put my mask back on in tact after each crisis, without anyone knowing what was really going on inside of me?  Or maybe it was being able to simply get mad, then split?  Maybe all?  Either way, I was living a lie.  A lie that I would eventually believe and cling to as my truth.  And I would dare you to try and tell me any different back then!  

Now here I am 6 years later looking back on the past.  It's sad to me to really see how much pain I've been in.  Pain that I covered up, drowned out, spat on, lied about, and simply tried to ignore for far too long.  Towards the end I always knew my time was running out.  I knew somehow something was going to give one way or another.  I just didn't know how.  In this time I wasn't necessarily crying out for help, or wanting it to end, I just knew my limit of destruction and self-hatred were reaching dangerous levels.  What I can see now, that I couldn't see then, was that God was still living in me.  His seeds that were planted long ago never died, they were still inside, just dormant.  And one thing I do know about God is that He never changes, neither does His words or promises.  So even despite me, despite the things I said to him....about Him...despite the fact that I most likely broke His heart, He was still working on my behalf.  
The scripture in Jeremiah 29 (one of the first scriptures I was given after God saved me from my younger, wilder days) came bubbling up in my spirit when I first started thinking about writing this. 

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 All along, no matter what stage of life we are in God knows what is in store of us.  He is always there working things out for us.  In spite of ourselves, our masks, our anger, and our hurt, He has a plan for us.  I know that's not always easy to trust, but if we can find those instances in our lives where we know that we know that He's working things in our favor, then we need to cling to it and not run!!  The more we can embrace it. the stronger our faith will grow,  and hopefully to the point of not needing to bring those masks back out again.  

To go back to how I knew my days of running were up...  
It started last September while my father in law was gravely ill in the hospital.  All of the family was in town, including my sister in law and her husband, from TX.  One night I said something to my nephew, who was having a hard time grasping the idea of dying and what happens to us, about heaven. Something to the tone of heaven is not something you understand with your head, you have to understand it with your heart.   The next morning while having coffee, with tears in his eyes,  he asked me if I would take his place on their annual mission trip to Costa Rica the following summer.   He said the minute I spoke to Noah God put it in his heart to send me on the trip instead of him.  It awkwardly took me back because I had no idea he would be that touched by something so simple.  And... also, well....mission trip.  Me going on a mission trip?  The same chic who's been running and cussing God out left and right?  Ha-ha, it made no sense to me.  But after thought and talking it over with my husband I agreed.  I terrifyingly agreed.  This took place in September, and the trip wasn't until June so I still had time to prepare, but how can you really prepare for something like that when you're doing everything you can to run away from God?  I couldn't....I knew my time would soon be up.  And God knew it too, that's why He almost went through the back door to get to my heart.  Yes, God is a gentlemen and would never push Himself on us, but He is also a Daddy and knows when we need rescuing.  

The trip took place during the first week of June.  So God knew almost 9 months beforehand that He was intervening for me.  He loves me that much that He'll plan that many months in advance for my hope and future.  When it came time for the trip I was not the same person I was back in September, but I also was not fully surrendered to Him like I should have been.  I knew that something was going to happen to me during it that would change that, but I didn't know what, or how.  Its now been a week since we've been back home from  Costa Rica and the things that happened to my heart while there have blown me away.  It's not been easy to face all that I have to face, to put the masks down and allow myself to fully feel, and fully be honest with myself, but I'm doing it.  And I'm doing it with a glad heart.  When I look back on all of the faith builders He gave me it encourages me to keep pressing in no matter how heavy the load gets.  Because He is faithful and because He has a reputation to uphold I know that He isn't going to let me down, or allow me to take it all on by myself.  It's awesome knowing that I'm loved that much that He would work on my behalf in spite of how much I hurt Him, or how far back I thought I had slided.  I'm so glad I never gave up....its never too late to lose the mask and allow the real genuine self to shine!!

when "no" = healing

I recently underwent allergy testing, as well as a septoplasty, to try to find the cause of too many months worth of sinus infections In the least, I thought I’d have allergens to grass, pollens, molds…things that were out of my grasp to totally change my exposure to. When the results of my tests came back I was in shock, and in clear denial, of the allergens that were affecting me. I had my hopes on the surgery being the cure all that would be a quick fix to my misery, not the changing my life by eliminating the things that were affecting me fix. I tested positive for cats, dogs, dust, molds, trees, weeds, peanuts, dairy, eggs & wheat. All I could think of was how clearly out of tune I was with my body that I didn’t know how the things I consume on a daily basis, bothered me. Never did I see an immediate reaction after eating peanut butter, drinking milk, or petting my animals. Obviously, that quick fix answer I was looking for was way off the horizon for me.

I did have the surgery done, and it did help a bit, but it hasn’t been the cure I was looking for. So that meant I had to re-examine my reality and ask myself just how much I wanted to feel better. Shortly after finding the results of my tests, I took to Facebook to complain and gripe about how I couldn’t have this and couldn’t have that. One of the responses back was to look at it as a period of giving my body a chance to heal by eliminating the things that bothered me. I liked that idea - but…..was it just another quick fix that I was looking for? Eliminate the allergens for awhile and then I’d be able to eat them again? I started out by eliminating a few things, and picking and choosing what I would allow in, even if I was allergic to it. But something still didn’t feel right. I was still depressed and overwhelmed at the thought of the “I can’t have this anymore” mentality. Eliminating was still such a burden, but at what cost to my body was I willing to pay to have those allergens back in my life just to make it easier on me?

By Gods grace I felt a little bit better by the “pick and choose elimination diet” I had started for myself. And by that same grace, He got a hold of me and asked me “what is My best for you?” I paired that with the statement of how staying away from the foods that were allergens, was healing to my body. Then I realized that I was doing myself a huge disservice by my griping and complaining, and by only eliminating certain things. At this very same time, I had a friend talk to me about asking God for healing from my allergies, and maybe attending a prayer service for deliverance from them. Immediately I knew that wasn’t the plan for me. I knew that God could heal me, but that it wasn’t meant to be a healing of miraculous deliverance. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God can (and does) do those things, but I also know He doesn’t do them all that time. When it is in His will, when it is best for the person who’s sick, He’ll do it that way. But for me, and God’s will for me, I think God wants me to go on a journey with Him.

When I accepted this, and really believed it to be God’s plan, a whole attitude shift happened. All of a sudden I was coming up with easy made up recipes in my head, of foods I could consume, and I didn’t miss the other things as much. And more importantly, I wasn’t griping and complaining as often as before. Instead of resisting the diet plan, I embraced it, and it got so much easier. And God has opened my eyes to that fact that He IS healing me…by giving me His best. His best for my body is to consume a wheat free, dairy free, peanut free and egg free diet. By the time next year comes around I may not have been miraculously delivered from food allergies, but I will have been healed from them. And not only that, I know that I know that by seeking this healing for my physical body, by seeking His best for my physical body, I will be gaining healing in other areas. How much can God grow me up just by disciplining me in the things I should eat for my body? How much more can I learn about seeking Him when I start out here? How many layers can He unpeel and strip away when I am daily leaning on Him and His best for me? It starts with the little things, and then He does the rest.

I am currently on allergy shots for the dog, cat, molds and tree allergens, and although it’s not an easy fix, in a few years my body will have built up enough tolerance that they won’t affect me anymore. As for the foods, the only easy fix is to avoid them altogether. In my own strength and power that is overwhelming, but when I am seeking for Gods best for me, I know that it means a whole lot more than just not having this, and not having that!

Living vs. Surviving

I want to die and let you give your life to me that I might live. –taken from the song, Make My Life a Prayer to You by Kathy Troccoli

Recently I watched a story about Gabby Giffords, the Congresswoman who suffered a gunshot to her brain and survived. I was so deeply inspired by her determination and will to live. She overcame tremendous odds just to survive, and is now overcoming even more odds by just how far she has come in therapy. What is that in her that keeps pushing her through every day? That question cannot be answered by science, or be explained through by DNA. No, you can only look at it and see that it was put there by our Creator. When He created us He gave us something inside that keeps us pushing forward when things are at their hardest. And that’s not all…..

I thought about this concept and how it applied to old life habits that are hard to die on their own, and how I made it to be where I am today. I lived through some areas of trauma as a child, and looking back I wonder how I was able to handle it. I did it because of what my creator placed within me. He equipped me with coping skills to make it to the next level. There are times I’ve been so hard on myself because of the way I've coped with certain circumstances, and I have to stop and remind myself to be grateful that I survived. I think God is ok with us carrying on with the coping skills we acquire in times like that, just as long as we don’t live there. That’s been a hard lesson to learn. So often with me I defined living by coping instead of surviving by coping. They are 2 totally different things. How short are we selling ourselves when we accept our coping skills as a way of life, instead of living a life that could be perfected by Him? As our creator, He doesn’t want to see us stuck in a place of struggle and pain, He wants us to use what we’ve been through as a way out, and way through, not a way of life. He gives us a responsibility to wait for the next level of maturing, once the coping skill has outrun it’s necessity. The best part of that is that He puts the burden on us, He wants us to choose. He’s a gentleman and will not barge His way in our life.

In each moment we find ourselves going through tough times, or places we know we are coping and not living, we should remind ourselves that that level is only temporary. God equips us with coping skills, but He more importantly wants to give us fuller life afterwards…..His life. We get into trouble when we allow the coping skill to become the way we define our life. That’s usually where world patterns begin to form, instead of living a God kind of life. We can only trust in that pattern for so long until it turns into something that hinders us, rather than helps us. We have to be open to Him, and prayerfully tell Him that we’re willing to die to those things in order to have life. Life not defined by a mere existence, but life more defined in a Psalm 18:30 (“As for God His way is perfect”) definition.

darkness cannot drive out darkness

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"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

When we look at how we view ourselves and how we’ve formed patterns throughout our lives, it will be easy to see if we’ve followed darkness or if we’ve followed light. I’m taking a step back and looking at my life from an inner child perspective. Too often we silence that child as we live out the day to day, not consciously, but just because we are focused on going ahead. We have goals, dreams and traits that shape most of our decision making on the forefront, while paying little attention to that inner child, who is basically our foundation as a person.

When the foundation of our life gets started in darkness, it’s something that is very hard to go back to and look at. That inner child that once had a voice, but lost it because of too many painful experiences, becomes someone you want to ignore rather than nurture. So as we live our life and grow, we end up trying to drive the pain deeper and deeper down so we won’t have to face it. We shut the inner child up and leave them stuck there. Thus, every choice or action you think you are making out of light and love, becomes tainted by the darkness. How can we love others when we never really loved ourselves? How can we respect others when we didn’t give ourselves enough respect to rise up and let our voice be heard? How many of our behavior patterns are influenced out of the pained and shunned child within who is really someone we hate?

I have lived my life hating myself, hating almost everything about me. I can give on the surface meanings as to why, but they are not the root. When I take a look back and allow that inner child to rise up, she will say that she is the reason I view myself with such disdain. That small child, who eventually took on everything that was put on her, became stuck. When bad things happened to her and she was faced with choices that were too hard for her, she became shame. As I grew, I didn’t want to take the shame with me so I shut her up and stuffed her down. The more I tried to be rid of the shame, the more I hated that little girl. So in essence I was driving out the hate by hating…..myself.

God recently started shining light on that little girl and slowly allowed me to see her in the light of His love. All it took was a little stepping back on my part to see how stuck and scared she is. When I’ve gone back to my past before, it was always to look at things that happened, or to work on forgiveness. I was able to work through forgiving others and eventually forgiving God, but I never allowed myself to forgive me. And that is the root core of so many issues in my life. I blame her for what others did to her, I blame her for not having a voice, I blame her for the times she did have a voice, and most especially I blame her for just being her. So I’ve lived all of these years trying to be separated from her, but where could she go? I’ve spent so much energy ignoring and hating her, instead of allowing her to complete who I am.

So with Gods light, I’m going to take a journey to rediscover her. I was resistant at first, but God showed me I didn’t have to immediately accept and love her. God simply asked me to get to know her from His heart and to look at her as someone that He loves very dearly. I was able to see and feel His tears as He allowed His love to shine down on her, and show me how much she was hurting. In my own efforts all I was able to do was shine more darkness on her, but with Him who is light, together we can show her the way out of that dark place. I need God and His light to see her better, and God needs me to eventually accept her so that I can finally be complete….in Him, in light, and not of darkness.

Focusing on the Good Focuses Back

If you haven't already read my neighbor story, this blog post may not make alot of sense. So if you haven't yet - read this one first.


On my way out to water the tomato plant, one day this past week, I looked up and saw the most beautiful flower staring at me. I couldn't believe how quickly it opened up, but even more so, I couldn't believe that the flower most closest to our house opened up to have it's face pointing right in our direction!



What a small thing for God to do, but so big in my eyes. He is so close to us and He is always there. All He wants is for us to give Him control on the issues in our lives that we struggle with. I never ever thought I'd find freedom from this one, but step by step it's getting easier and easier.

He is awesome!
He is beautiful!
He is faithful!

Ryan CAN!

In 2005, I attended a leadership course put on by the State of TN, called Partners in Policymaking. It was a great course that gave me knowledge, courage, understanding and acceptance into other disabilities besides autism, and most importantly, self reflection at how I viewed disabilities.
One of the presenters that I saw over that 7 month period was Kathie Snow. Kathie challenged a lot of my thinking; making me laugh at times, mad as heck at times, and sad at times. But the biggest thing she did was to make me look inward into the way I was looking at Ryan. By the time the 2 day session had ended that weekend, my heart was changed.
Earlier this year, five years later, I took the time to write her to tell her just how much. I found out today that she included my letter on her website. I thought I'd share that letter on here because it speaks so much of what this blog is all about - the ups and downs of our journey with autism, and what I've learned because of it.

Go here to read...

And remember - "a green apple is more like a red apple than not!"

Focus on the Good

For the past 2+ years we have been living side by side with neighbors who are really un-neighbors. We've been looked down upon because we have a child who is a little different, and unfortunately, judged because Ryan doesn't behave in terms they find acceptable. It's been very difficult living next door to them...and not being able to escape the everyday reminders of the issues we have with one another. It's been hard to find closure because of the "don't talk to me and I won't talk to you" approach they've forced us to use, and to be honest, it has been a situation of bondage with me. It affected me more than I care to admit and turned me very bitter on the inside. It was also something I let attribute to sending me into a long depression.

Now that I'm seeing the light a little more each day, I am seeing that the monster I once called my un-neighbors aren't as scary as I made them out to be. I'm much less intimidated by them now, and can 94% say that they don't affect me. The situation is something I've really asked God to help me with. I know I can no longer allow the hate I feel towards them to be within me - acknowledging that was the first step. Since then, it's gotten better and better. Last week, God showed me something about the situation that grabbed a hold of me. It had to do with sunflowers, and recently with me, if God speaks sunflowers I know He is up to something good!

He had already been ministering to me about magnifying the good, and to stop focusing so much on issues and problems because they keep the good, that desires to be in me, - OUT!. There is a song on a worship CD, by Kim Hill, that I had been pressing the replay button on constantly. It's called, Be Magnified. And the words play over and over in my head....

When I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes, and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified
Oh Lord, be magnified

When we sing these kinds of cries out to God, really, there is nothing He can't do!

One day I looked out my window and saw the new garden our good neighbor (on the other side of us) had planted. This is the first year he's planted a garden and it has been fun to watch the growth of all the plants, and see the vege's take form. On this particular day, I looked out on the garden and remembered a conversation I had with this good neighbor. I had asked him what kinds of plants were in the garden. After he finished naming off the various vegetables that were in the ground he said, "and I stuck a few sunflowers in there just for the heck of it, even if they really don't fit in with a vegetable garden." When he first made that comment I could do nothing but chuckle on the inside because of my prior sunflower revelations.

After remembering the conversation, God showed me a vision of both of my neighbors, and then asked me to keep my focus on the good neighbor - and to allow the vegetable garden (with those few sunflowers) to be a focal point. He also reiterated to me that there was no need to keep on looking over at our un-neighbors and reliving what had happened with them. He wanted me to know that the more I look on the good, the more the bad gets washed away. I'm guessing that is a round about way to say He want's me to forgive. The thing that is so lovely about it is how much He knows how afraid of that word I am, but going about it in this way didn't seem quite so scary!

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you. Romans 12:2 TLB

Isn't it awesome that we serve a God who will go to such lengths just for us? It's even more awesome to think that in my own strength, I could not make the un-neighbor problem better, but He can...and He is!



The tall stalks in the back are the sunflowers. They haven't opened to show their glory yet, and I know that as I look at them each day, I'll have faith that just as God is growing them up to be unashamed and glorious, He is also doing the same within me. As I grow I will be able to look up, full faced to the Son, and not let little un-neighborly actions affect me - affect my heart. I may not always feel it, but I sure am glad for the little coincidental reminders He places on my path to remind me!

Mud & Muck = Beauty!

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Today I took a walk on the River Walk Trail, on the Harpeth River, in Franklin. When I first started out on the trail the above photos were what I saw along my path. The damage from the previous month's flood was still very apparent. It was surreal seeing how much destruction was still left weeks after the water was at a normal level again.

As I got higher and higher along the path, the view became increasingly better. I eventually got to land that hadn't been impacted by water at all. Soon vibrant green grass, tall trees with green leaves (instead of mud stained leaves), and beautiful bold flowers replaced the brown muck that coated all the leaves and trees on the first part of the trail. It took a bit of walking in dirt, smell and destruction until I got the the beauty of what is - Williamson County. And as I made my way around the bends and turns of the trail, I came to a house with the most beautiful color filled garden in the back. A garden with tall and bright sunflowers standing tall and proud, with their heads held high to their maker! (If you have not already read the previous post titled Sunflowers, Steps & Faith, please read that first!).

I had to stop and chuckle a minute at how ironic (or maybe not) it was to see these flowers after just having such an experience with them days before. Then I stopped and said, "OK, Lord, what is it You are speaking to me now?" I knew it was something in particular because one of the main reasons I chose this trail was to be close to nature to hear Him speak to me louder. I had set out to talk to Him, and the fact that there were sunflowers along my way was no coincidence at all!!

And then I was reminded of the above scripture - I will give them beauty for ashes!

And that was precisely the answer I'd been looking for! I needed to know there was a way out of some of the pain my journey had led me on. I needed to hear that it won't always be so hard. And, wow, did I ever get an answer!

You see, there are times in our walk where we will step in muddy trails, where destruction and chaos may be all around; but keep on walking, keep on climbing because soon the gardens and beauty will appear! When I started out on the trail it seemed like there was nothing around me but flood damaged surroundings; and I had to climb a ways out of it until I eventually reached the beauty of nature. The more I climbed the better it got. What if I had only went in a ways and thought, "this is all there is - I'm picking another trail"? I would have missed the beauty of the gardens, and more importantly, I would have missed His personal message to me - the sunflowers.

It's only been a short time that I've come back to the Lord, and honestly it has been a hard path; but I knew, when I started, that I had to stick with it. Something has always kept me wondering - this can't be all there is, there has to be more? And that is the path that I've been following - there is something enticing me to keep on going - that something is knowing that I know, that God is a good God and has more for us than mud and muck. Everyday I see beauty and answers that I would have missed if I gave up as soon as it got hard or dirty. And everyday I tell myself that it is worth it!

Just as beauty is promised for ashes, or joy for mourning, you can count on the answers you need if you are going through the mud lined trails of your journey. The answers are not far ahead; just stick with it and I'm certain the beauty at the end will be well worth the dirt under your feet!

Psalm 30:5

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.