Sunflowers, Steps & Faith

Isaiah 25:1

O, Lord, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,for in perfect faithfulness

you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

The past few weeks I have slowly been getting reaquainted with the real me - my heart. I gave God the invite to come back into my heart and take control. Since then, His faithfulness in showing me how much He loves me has been overwhelming; it has carried me through when I didn't want to take another step forward. One of the things He's done to capture me, and pull me in, is to show me His gentleness....along with His faithfulness.

I'm amazed by how carefully He plans for us, lines things in order for us, makes provisions for us, just because He wants us to know that He is there...for us.

I have a personal "for us" story, a story that started with a sunflower....and The Garden. Mrs. P., one of my former teachers, has been ministering to me about the sunflower.

Characteristics of the sunflower:

• glorious
• full faced to the Son
• unashamed
• transparent
• known for it's bountiful seed production.

There were many times when my head was sunken low in shame and defeat that I would think about the sunflower having an open face to the sky - to it's creator, and it would encourage me to keep my head up...and more importantly, to not give up! I practiced this a couple of times and it worked. It was a great reminder for me to remember to keep on going!

Soon after the sunflower reminder was planted in my heart, the time came to take our weekend getaway we planned months prior, to a retreat for special needs families. As the days approached for us to leave, I had alot of anxiety about stepping out of my shell and meeting new people. Still, because of how my walk with the Lord had been forming, I knew it was something that had supernaturally been lined up for such a time as this! And I got that reassurance on the day we left while checking my facebook page. A blog post from Whole Foods appeared in my feed about......sunflowers! It reassured me that He was with me, and that I needed to trust Him. I'm not saying it was easy to do, I'm just saying I knew that I was not alone - that I had backup!

When we got to the camp site later that day, I almost didn't want to get out of the car. So much of me wanted to turn around and go back to my comfy house where I was safe inside of my bubble. In those quick moments of anxiety it is easy to forget the reminders telling us that we are where we are supposed to be. I lost the battle of wanting to leave when out walked someone to greet us - I had to get out of the car! I did it afraid, but still -I did it! And looking back I realize that it is sometimes good to do things afraid. Part of my willingness to carry through with what I was afraid to do was showing the Lord that I was committed, and that I trusted Him - I was trusting Him enough to step outside of me to see what He had in store. When we were shown the cabin we were going to be staying in for the weekend, I was immediately drawn to a vase of flowers on the mantle. And by now you can probably guess what kind of flower they were - yep, sunflowers!

Seeing those gave me such a charge. I knew that I was taking the right steps forward - the steps of faith. There is nothing more boosting to your faith than seeing the confirmations! So that vase of sunflowers became one of my focal points for the weekend. There were times that I was as scared as can be to step out. I wanted to use that cabin as a shell and didn't want to leave it, yet those flowers were right there, next to the door, beckoning me out - telling me I had backup..to just do it! And again, I did it afraid - and again, it wasn't all that bad! I was able to work through my fear instead of giving in to it. Why? Because I had backup! Each step I took was faith, and in each step He was right there! Working through fear, with Him guiding me, is so much easier than working through fear all alone. When I do it alone I end up hiding, but when I do it with Him it leads to freedom!

On the last day of our stay, I finally began to get somewhat comfortable. My heart opened up considerably compared to the first day, and I could sense that God had His hand all in our weekend! The small steps I took, like getting out of the car on the first day, grew into bigger steps on the last day. I was able to open up enough and follow the direction God was leading me to. Each step he brings us on leads us to a place where we can be like the sunflower - transparent, unashamed, glorious and full faced to the Son! That is His heart for us!

Days later I heard greater confirmation about the sunflowers. Yes, that is how good God is! I simply emailed one of the hosts a link to website we had discussed. Out of that a correspondence grew, which led to the revelations of God's busy hand. Come to find out the sunflowers that were on our mantle were really not supposed to be there. They were actually meant for the tables in the pavilion room, but the hosts were not aware of that, so they put them on the mantles in the cabins. WOW, how awesome is that? He loves us so much that He would create accidental steps such as these, just for us!

One of the things that was said to me during the retreat was: "when we recognize His blessings, small or large, we recognize His love and it makes it so much easier to put one foot in front of the other when we really don't feel like it!"

So I encourage you to look for those reminders, look for the blessings - He's got them out there just for you!

Our Yard

Here is video of the flooding we are having in our yard. I'm so thankful it is not as bad at it is in Nashville, Franklin and other towns. The damage is so widespread here, in TN....so very, very depressing.

Hand In/Hand Over Hand

Dave and I have been looking at our wedding pictures a lot since the death of his best friend. Dave's friend, Darren, was the best man at our wedding. While looking through photos and reliving the memories from that day, I noticed a picture of me with a very close friend, Sam. The picture was taken right after Sam gave me my wedding handkerchief. Sam has known me on and off since I was around 11 years old. She has been a lifesaver to me throughout my life, and it meant the world to me that she was there for my wedding.

I have looked at this picture many, many times over the past 9 years, but have never looked at it the way I did the other day. Take a look at our hands. We are holding hands, you might say. Yes, but there is more to it than that. If you take a closer look you might see that she is holding one of my hands, and I am holding one of her hands. That really, really struck me and got me thinking deeper about friendships, and especially now, after Dave just lost his best friend.

One of the things that keeps friends together for so long is that they are there for each other. I think it would be more than fair to say that Sam has been there for me many more times than I've been there for her. And looking at that picture is a huge reminder that I need to reciprocate to her (and all of my friends) more often. We all have friends that do so much for us, but how much are we giving back? There are so many people in my life that I take for granted. It's easy to take and take, but how often am I leaving myself open for someone to take from me? I don't want to be someone who always has their hand held, I want to be one that reaches out to hold a hand.

One of the definitions of friendship is: friendly feeling or disposition. Hmmm, I'm not crazy about the friendly feeling one. Looking deep within I can see that there have been times I didn't "feel" like being a friend. And to me, that is not what friendship is. Now, the disposition part I like. If I stay in that disposition despite my feelings, than that, to me, is more of a friend. So remember next time you are with your friends, get in position- one hand in, one hand over!

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A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. ~Douglas Pagels

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Balance

Balance. One of the definitions for it is: mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgement, etc.

Autism. Sometimes the definition I can use to most describe this word is the exact opposite of emotional stability, mental steadiness or calm behavior. When combining the two words - balance and autism, mental steadiness is always hoped for, but somehow still rarely ever achieved. There is just something about autism that makes it seem like it knows when to push the envelope, push the buttons or cut through tape.

And I'm not referring to someone who has autism, but the whole picture of what autism is. One of the things Dave and I strive for when raising Ryan is balance. Every decision we make about therapy, outings, meals and family issues have to be carefully weighed so the scale doesn't tip too far one way or the other. There are numerous therapy avenues we have declined due to the impact on the whole family, especially to our youngest child. If we mostly focused on one family member what would happen to the other 3? So while we try to do all we can for Ryan, one of our rules is to not let what we do negatively impact the rest of the family.

As the boys have grown, one of the things that seems like it is getting more off balance is how much we have to tighten the rope for Nathan, but still need to give Ryan more slack. Quite a few times Nathan has become jealous of Ryan because Ryan has gotten out of something that Nathan was forced to do.

We started really teaching Nathan about Ryan's autism last year when he was around 5. I think he always knew Ryan was a little different, but never knew exactly why, and frankly I don't think it ever mattered to him. But in fairness, it was time for Nathan to know there was a reason why Ryan acted a little differently, that it had a word, and that it was the reason why things weren't balancing out the same way - for Ryan or for us. As time went on we were able to show Nathan just how Ryan's autism affected him, how it made him perceive things around him differently. That it wasn't just him being bad, being funny or being mean, but that he was reacting differently because he was taking everything in differently. Nathan has always been a fast learner, and although he didn't always like to be reminded about autism, he soon got it. I can remember so many times telling Nathan, "remember Ryan has autism so it's going to be a little different for him." "No, it's not fair but that's just the way that it is."

So now Nathan is 6 and I think he totally understands when Ryan is having a moment due to his autism. He's very perceptive and recognizes when Ryan may need some backup, in whatever fashion that may be. I'm always amazed when I see it at work in him, but really, the thing I'm seeing work in Nathan now is balance.

Websters definition of balance may not be very realistic in my world right now, but I will never stop striving for it. Just the other day I was in a frantic and frustrated mood because I couldn't stay on my schedule due to having to stop numerous times to make sure Ryan hadn't run off. The last time I checked on him I didn't see him, only his bike in the neighbors yard. This only increased my frustration and I said a few things under my breath that I wish I could take back. Just so happened that Nathan picked up on what was going on with me. He looked at me and simply said, "Moommm, autism." Nathan knew Ryan needed his back, and he knew that mom simply needed to be reminded that it wasn't Ryan acting out and running away. Wow, if that is not balance working I don't know what is!

Ryan in Cub Scouts

Ryan started Cub Scouts this year. They have been accepting and understanding of Ryan's autism, and are willing to modify and work with him on his level. So far he loves it, but we have to work extra hard at home, on top of his school work and therapy, for him to memorize and do the tasks.
We thought he would be protest wearing the uniform, but it was just the opposite - he loved it and we could tell that he felt proud with it on. Today they had a bike parade; all of the Scouts had to decorate their bikes and bring them in for a parade. Again, we thought he would protest having his bike "different", but he went along with it very well.
The hardest part is sitting through the meetings, but they allow him to take sensory breaks and pick his own seat, even if it is on stage!! Here are some pics from today.

He didn't even mind wearing his helmet - which is always a fight at home.

Ryan's Nashville Preds Bike

Nathan and I made a Cat in the Hat bike

A visit to Mimi & Papa's house

Ryan with Gigi (great grandma). Gigi is 94 and still gets around enough to shop for clothes for the boys. We can always count on a shirt or two at every visit. Ryan's always been real tender when it comes to Gigi.










Nathan is either a ham for the camera, or want's nothing to do with it. He's so tempermental, that one! It looks like Papa is trying to straighten him out!

Nathan on Mimi's lap. Nathan can do from bear to kitten in a matter of minutes!

The Doo Rag

Ryan has been playing around with Nathan's doo rag lately. Last night he came down the stairs wearing it like this.....
He had to walk in the bathroom to check out what he looked like in the mirror.


















We turned it around and showed him what he looked like whe he wore it the right way. What do you think? Tough enough?

Great PSA of autism myths

http://www.nomyths.org/

The "No Myths" PSA offers a refreshingly positive and optimistic view about life with autism. And it was written and performed by people who should know--individuals who are on the autism spectrum themselves. The purpose of the PSA is to tell society that, with the right supports, people with autism can do anything anybody else can do, even if it isn't in the same way. Ari Ne'eman, president of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, leads a cast that includes {in order of appearance} Dena Gassner, Ben Liske, and Jacob Pratt. The Dan Marino Foundation of Weston, FL sponsored the piece, which was filmed by Nashville-based Kent Creative. Jon Kent directed the PSA and Britt Simmons was the Director of Photography. "No Myths" was filmed inside the Parthenon in Nashville, TN. The Nashville Parthenon, which was built in 1897, is a full-scale replica of the ancient Greek Temple. The two bronze doors, used as a symbol throughout the PSA, weigh 7.5 tons each, and are thought to be the largest pair of matching bronze doors in existence. The producers wish to thank Citation Film Support and the Filmworker's Club of Nashville for their generous support of this project. View production stills. Photography by Glen Rose.

Christmas pics

Our attempt at Gingerbread house. The boys had a lot of fun putting the candies on - almost as they're having now picking them off and eating them.

Nathan insisted that EVERY Reindeer had to have his own carrot, so we ended up putting the whole bag on the plate.

They love the stilts!

Nathan more into opening presents than having a camera in his face!

Their big gift from Santa was a drum set. Now lessons are in order, as well as a soundproof drum cage!

our first snow

view from our back deck.

I've been so behind in blogging over the holidays - Thanksgiving and getting ready for Christmas has kept me incredibly busy, but I didn't want to neglect to post pics of our first real snowfall this year. It came very early for the Nashville area. If I remember the weatherman correctly, this was the first significant snow for December in the past 8 years. The snow fell on Dec. 11 and was enough snow to cancel school the next day. We're only talking about 2-3 inches, but 2-3 inches in these neck of the woods is a pretty significant snow fall! I love that we are out of the city now and can enjoy a little more snow when it does snow. Even though we are further south from Nashville, we are out of the bowl that Nashville is and can enjoy more weather events.

Nathan was very, very sick the day and day after it snowed, but here he is 2 days later, just before the snow all melted, building a snowman with dad.

The boys first Preds game

We took the boys to their first Preds hockey game on Tues. I wasn't sure how long they would stay entertained for, but they made it through the whole game. It was so cute watching them clap and get into the rants. Thankfully, Nathan thought everyone was saying "you're stuck" when the "you suck" chants were being screamed! And Ryan asked if he could go skate on the ice when when the players all came out!! Our seats were 6 rows back from the ice so we had great shots of the puck going back and forth as well as up close views of the action packed fights! It turns out popcorn and cotton candy do have times of being a good thing as it helped them sit still a little longer. Poor Nathan was just beginning his leg of being sick and needed to rest his head at times, but he had the best time in spite of not feeling his best. The Preds lost, but still managed to take advantage of one of their power plays. Overall the game was exciting and a great first time experience for the boys.

Poor boy!

Gatlinburg weekend

In Cades Cove...


Skating...




My family took a much needed 4 day break to the Smoky Mountains, for my birthday, this past weekend. Our days were full of swimming, go karts, arcades, sledding, mountain exploring, eating, trolley rides, ski lift rides, ice skating, old settlement exploring, a few late nights and lots of good family bonding! We all had such a good time and hated to leave. I'm so proud of Ryan for how he adjusted and how he thoroughly enjoyed himself. When I asked him what his favorite part of the weekend was he said it was swimming and the elevators at the hotel. For Nathan it was the sledding. Hmm, those were all things that didn't cost extra.....how we all have so much to learn from little ones!!

Here is Nathan - his first time to ice skate ever. I couldn't believe how well he picked up on it.

the furthest we got up the mountain the more snow we encountered. Here are the boys - their first time ever on a sled.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today would have been my mothers 63rd Birthday. This is the third year that we've celebrated her birthday without her. Every year we write a message on a birthday balloon and send it up to the sky. While buying the balloon, I picked up a small birthday cake for us to have after dinner.

It's so important to me to celebrate these little things for my children, so that they will not forget her. Her memory is still very much alive in them. She died when they were so little, and I am so thankful for the way their little brains have retained her memory.

We let the balloon go just a bit ago. We sang Happy Birthday as we let it go. We always pretend that Nana is in the part of the sky that the balloon gravitates to. Tonight, we summed up that Nana was at her birthday party in Heaven.

So, Happy Birthday, Mom! Tonight I made your infamous spinach bread for dinner in honor of you. You are here with us in spirit.

Videos of Ryan Reading

Ryan's reading skills have improved so much. This week has started to really enjoy reading his level books. Since he is not into TV or toys all that much, I am hoping reading will be a passion for him.

it starts with the small things

As a parent of a child with autism, you learn to savor every small accomplishment your kid does. I found this article earlier this afternoon before picking Ryan up from school. At the time I read it I was feeling a little down and a little frustrated with this thing we know called - autism. The article helped pick me up a little and look back on the recent "WOW" moments I have had with Ryan. Those moments, the "I can't believe he just did that" moments, need to be the ones that stand out the most. Not the behavioral issues that scream at you with frustration, or all of the ways in which our kids are different, from typical kids, so to make you feel more hopeless. No, our minds and hearts need to be filled with just how much our kids are doing so we can, everyday, have a new block to add to ours, and their, Hope Mountain.

Celebrate the small things and never take them for granted....they build even greater things. So start building and watch both yours and their motivation grow! That motivation has the ability to trample over stereotypes and burst open the doors of potential.

Ghoul Night at the Zoo

We dressed up in our halloween costumes and took the boys to the zoo for ghouling trick or treat fun. This is one of my favorite Nashville event traditions that we do. I love watching the boys experience change each year as they grow and get more into what is going on. After a very stressful few days, this night was just the thing that we needed.


Harley Boy tired after having to walk so much. He really was in need of a motorcycle!


Getting stuck in the Gypsy Maze.

Check out his smile!

They had surprises in every nook n cranny!

Ryan clapping his hand to hear his fortune.

Playing games...

Ready to dig in for treats!