Past Present and Future

Lately I have been earnestly seeking God, and trying to work through issues that I know bog me down and make me want to run from Him.  It seems like whenever I do though, my past comes up.  There are things in there I've tried to escape my whole life, and I say, "but God do we have to go there?  I'm not ready for that yet."  I have a pattern in life of escaping and numbing to avoid  issues.  However, this time I'm determined to push through.  I won't give up, and I don't want to escape either.  Escaping and giving up look like the same thing, but not always.  In my mind I don't think I'm ready to deal with certain things, but if God keeps bringing it up, I know He thinks otherwise.

And I know that He won't always keep us from pain and suffering, but He will help us get through it.
Romans 5:1-5 says:

 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b]boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

So in those times when I think "I can't" or "it hurts" or "I'm scared"  I have to remember that...
1. He knows my heart.
2. He want's what's best for me
3. He knows more than me.
4. He sent a helper for me in the Holy Spirit and
5. He loves me more than anyone else could.

I also have to ask myself what do I really want?  Do I really want to keep going around the wilderness hiding and escaping from pain, only to find that probably created additional pain by avoiding?  It takes courage, and it takes God's timing for us to be ready to face difficult things, but there's hope at the end if we are just willing to say "I can."  Even if we are afraid, it's better to do it afraid than not do it at all.



This evening my sister in law said something so very profound to me.  She said  "Sometimes our past rules our present to the point that there is no future."  Wow!  I love deep stuff like that.  I knew when she said it that I wanted to break it down and blog about it. If I had an image to go along with that quote I think I woud chose someone trying so hard to cross a lake full of quicksand.  Once you're in the lake that's it, its a do or die moment.  There's not really any turning back, it's already happened so you try and try with all your might to get across, but every muck filled step is a struggle until eventually you drown and you have no future.  This person stuck in the quicksand is also too proud to ask for help, in their own mind they believe they can do it on their own.

 In reality though, if they would only call out for help there would be a way of escape and backtracking.  Backtracking....wait a minute!!  Think of that word and apply it to things not dealt with in your past.  God is so full of grace and mercy that He allows us to go back to that place only to come out a better person.  A healed person, and a whole person.  Thus, instead of struggling through quicksand we now find ourself going forward to our new presents, one that is filled with glorious running shoes, hitting the most perfect texture of ground, each step closer and closer to the future!



So what's my choice going to be?  Do I want to choose mirky quicksand, or do I want to hit the ground running? (no pun inteded 😉)  As hard as it all is, I must reach out, take God's hand and trust where He is leading me.  I know that I know He won't lead me through quicksand.  Even though its umcomfortable at time,s the suffering and pain He guides us through is only temporary.  And the best part is because of His goodnes,s there will be joy in the end.

The other thing that is important to remember is that in our minds we think we cant do certain things, so we escape.  When we escape there's something in us that perceives we are walking away from something that feels threatening.  But that's not who God is.  Theres' a scripture in John that I really love that talks about His peace vs. the worlds peace.  In my own wee bitty brain I think I'm gaining peace by escapping the threat, but that's a lie.  Jesus told us He left HIS peace here for us.  It's a peace that if we could only grasp and cling to it, will get us through.  God works in the supernatural, not the natural.

I wrote this as an encourager for myself, but I hope it also encouraged you.  Don't give up....ever!  And when you're tempted to escape, just remember the quicksand and how it leaves your future bleak.  Cling to Him, cling to the things He's given us as reminders of His love, and His help.  Then picture the runner, full of grace and stamina, heading towards their future!

The Prayer Box

Today Dave and I were able to get away for a morning date where we went out for breakfast and then strolled through the shops of downtown Franklin, TN.  While in one of the shops this little box caught my eye.  The outside was decorated in fabric and ribbon, and simply said "prayer box" on the top.  I opened it to find it was filled with a small pad of paper, a pen, and a message.....this message...

How cute, I thought.  And all day long my thought's about this simple little box have been growing and growing.  Until, now, here I sit, with my Bible open, a study guide open, and my heart open.  Even as I sit here it is growing,.  I hope that it's open enough to stretch to my fingertips, spilling out the lesson God has conveyed to me in through this little box.

When I first opened my Bible today I began looking at the word "request."  It led me to the book of Esther, to Esther 5: 3.

Then the King asked, "What is it, Queen Esther?  What is your request?  Even up to half the Kingdom, it will be given you."

But to know the story of Esther you really should backtrack from this verse, from the point where she  first apporached the King.
 You see, Esther was an orphan, a Jewish orphan in fact,  who at that point in time was trusted very little.  She was adopted by her cousin, Mordecai.  At this point in her life she didn't have much worth, or didn't see her own beauty the way others did.  But Mordeecai encouraged her and she grew in grace and beauty.  Not only her outer beauty, but inner beauty, despite her own insecurities caused by damaged emotions from her past.
Eventually Esther was put in a court to be picked by the King to be the next queen.  And Esther was chosen! The Bible tells us that Esther competed with many other women to become the next queen, but it was God's favor upon her that allowed an orphaned Jewish girl to be picked.  It's our hearts God is most interested in, not in our performance, or false expectations we, or others, may have. I have so many insecurties myself that I all too often fall into the trap of trying to please people, or doing whatever it takes for people to like me.  Esther was chosen by God, in his timing, not of any works of her own, but by favor.

 In chapter 4  we learn that plans are in place to kill all Jews. At this point the king did not know that Esther herself was a Jew, the same people he just agreed to destroy.  Mordecai found ways to beg Esther to go to the king on their behalf. This was a huge thing to ask of her.  Back then nobody went to the king unless they were summoned, and if they did do it they could be put to death.  And yes, this even meant the Queen.  But Esther agreed.  The same person who helped her grow into her beauty and grace also helped her grow into her courage. I imagine she held a lot of respect and trust for Mordecai that made it easier for her to make this decision.  Not anybody who isn't anybody in my life is going to convince me to be that courageous!!
 In  Chapter 4:14 it tells us that Mordecai tells Esther "you have come into a royal position for such a time as this."  Wow...what a weight to carry...and what courage it took to agree to carry it out.   I don't know about you, but I have all too often doubted who I was.  Doubted why I was made and placed here on earth.  In fact, even had anger towards my parents for having me.  Except I know those are the damaged emotions talking because in my spirit I courageously can hear .... "for such a time as this....."

I may not be able to see it now, and I may have to let it sink in, but I HAVE to believe that I was placed here for such a time as this.  I have to believe that God has a plan for me, His chosen, to be placed here preciesely as He sees fit.  One of the things that you and I get to claim, that Esther was not able to, is that we have been redeemed by Christ.  Because he has already died for us, we are part of his bloodline saved and redeemed by the very blood.  Those damaged emotions that Esther could have given in to, that I too often have fallen trap to,  are the same ones that try and rob us of  life and a future.  But like Esther, I am chosen, and like Esther, the more I live by my heart and courage, the more those damaged emotions will be covered up by beauty.

Now lets go back to the part of the story where the king asks Esther what her request was.  Can you imagine the doubt and fear she's had to stand against just to get to this point?  She's even had to put on special robes just to be in the kings presence (in his inner courts.)  As soon as the king saw her the Bible says he was pleased.  Let that sink in.....imagine all of the waring we do within our own minds, but when God looks within us He is pleased.  It says then that the King extended his gold scepter (royal or imperial power or authority; sovereignty) out to Esther, and she approached him and touched it.  How often has God extended out His favor and acceptance on us but we've been too afraid to approach Him?

This is the part of Esthers story I'll end at for now.   When I saw this box today I thought it was awfully cute, but before sitting down to study the word "request" I knew that I had been allowing damaged emotions and my past, to hinder me from stepping forward and accepting his invitation to touch his authority or sovereignty (or prayer box).  It's all too easy to write something down on a piece of paper and then close the box.  But doing it with courage, leading with my heart, and believing that I've been chosen for His soverreignty is when God is really free to answer my prayer.

Phillippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Trusting in the process

When it comes to reading, studying, writing, and words altogethe,r two of my favorite things are definitions and quotes.  I love our day and age of memes where we have so many inspirational quotes at our disposal.  But what about meme's we see that are supposed to motivate us, but instead they leaving us wanting more?  Like these....

Blah, blah, blah...they're supposed to inspire me, but all they do is leave me feeling impatient.  I need more to go on here if I'm ever going to be able to trust in this process.
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Probably the #1 rule when you are wanting something to change in your life, or you're waiting out a process, is to have faith, right?  We need to believe in the fruition of whatever the process is, we need to believe in ourselves, and we need to believe in God to get us there.  Again this seems easy and inspirational, but I still need more.  So I looked up verses and found one that I'm going to use as my foundation...the foundation in which I'm going to put my faith in towards my process.  Remember faith comes first!

Isaiah 29:14 (KJV)

Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, even a marvelous work and a wonder.

Check out that word proceed.  In the dictionary the word proceed means:

1. to move or go forward, especially after stopping, 
2. to carry on or continue any action or process
3. to continue one's discourse
4. to go forward in an orderly way

In my walk with God I have had so many periods of stop and go's that I could have easily shrugged this off thinking there's no way I'm going to get there now. But my job is to believe in God, whether or not it takes 1 year, 3 years, or 30 years. What if part of our process is the times of stopping?  What am I going through that He will use later? What if the process is indefinete?  Nowhere does it say God is ever finished with us, so why do I become so impatient when I think it's too late for me?   He is proceeding to do a marvelous work, and since proceeding means moving forward, I have to trust in the process.  

In that definition another word stuck out at me...it's orderly.  The definition for order is:

1. an authorative direction or instruction, command; mandate
2. established sequence or procedure

So again, here is where our faith comes in.  The process has already been set in an authorative direction, and established.  So even when we miss the mark, even when we feel like we have completely gone backwards and will never see the desired outcome we have to remember thats where His grace comes in.  He's already set things in motion, and when we do mess up His grace is there to cover it and get us back on the path again.

Hebrews 4:16 KJV

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. 

  For me, I've really struggled with this.  So many times I've fallen back into old patterns, years can pass without a step forward,  But still..... the direction and command of God has already happened, He's just waiting on me to acknowledge His grace amd forgiveness. then get back to it.  

Ready for a coouple more definitions? How about established? 

 

Establish: 

1. to set in a secure position.
2. to prove

And sequence means: 

1. the number of things or events that follow each other
2. the order in which things occur

Wow! To know that all of that is being done for us (or shall I say already has been done), amazes me.  When we reflect on our lives, the events, the people, the ups and downs, and most importantly our hearts, it's easy to see how God has worked.  Knowing  that I'm in a secure position right now, even though I dont always feel it, is both inspiring and comforting.  So next time you hear someone tell you to trust the process, remember that you are going forward in an established sequence, set in a secure position, in the order in which it's supposed to occur.  

For I Know the Plans I Have for You

It's been 6 years since my last blog post, and almost that long since I've gathered any of my thoughts in writing.  Its actually safe to say that in those 6 years I probably wasn't capable of digging in and even gathering my thoughts in an expressive way at all.  And the reason is.....I was running.  I was running from God, I was running from myself, I was running from the truth, and I was running from life.  I had times where I would stop, sit and try, but I never allowed it to last before I'd take off again.  I'm not even 100% sure of what I was afraid of, all I know is that I was scared, I hurt, and I didn't want to come face to face with anything that would make me take my mask off.  Fear, bitterness, hurt and anger were all my coping skills when I "just cant even" anymore!   They were especially useful towards God.  No matter what mini or mega crisis I was going through, taking it out on God seemed to always be the way they would end.  And somehow I told myself I was better after each one.  I guess the familiarity of resorting back to that coping mechanism?  Or being able to put my mask back on in tact after each crisis, without anyone knowing what was really going on inside of me?  Or maybe it was being able to simply get mad, then split?  Maybe all?  Either way, I was living a lie.  A lie that I would eventually believe and cling to as my truth.  And I would dare you to try and tell me any different back then!  

Now here I am 6 years later looking back on the past.  It's sad to me to really see how much pain I've been in.  Pain that I covered up, drowned out, spat on, lied about, and simply tried to ignore for far too long.  Towards the end I always knew my time was running out.  I knew somehow something was going to give one way or another.  I just didn't know how.  In this time I wasn't necessarily crying out for help, or wanting it to end, I just knew my limit of destruction and self-hatred were reaching dangerous levels.  What I can see now, that I couldn't see then, was that God was still living in me.  His seeds that were planted long ago never died, they were still inside, just dormant.  And one thing I do know about God is that He never changes, neither does His words or promises.  So even despite me, despite the things I said to him....about Him...despite the fact that I most likely broke His heart, He was still working on my behalf.  
The scripture in Jeremiah 29 (one of the first scriptures I was given after God saved me from my younger, wilder days) came bubbling up in my spirit when I first started thinking about writing this. 

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 All along, no matter what stage of life we are in God knows what is in store of us.  He is always there working things out for us.  In spite of ourselves, our masks, our anger, and our hurt, He has a plan for us.  I know that's not always easy to trust, but if we can find those instances in our lives where we know that we know that He's working things in our favor, then we need to cling to it and not run!!  The more we can embrace it. the stronger our faith will grow,  and hopefully to the point of not needing to bring those masks back out again.  

To go back to how I knew my days of running were up...  
It started last September while my father in law was gravely ill in the hospital.  All of the family was in town, including my sister in law and her husband, from TX.  One night I said something to my nephew, who was having a hard time grasping the idea of dying and what happens to us, about heaven. Something to the tone of heaven is not something you understand with your head, you have to understand it with your heart.   The next morning while having coffee, with tears in his eyes,  he asked me if I would take his place on their annual mission trip to Costa Rica the following summer.   He said the minute I spoke to Noah God put it in his heart to send me on the trip instead of him.  It awkwardly took me back because I had no idea he would be that touched by something so simple.  And... also, well....mission trip.  Me going on a mission trip?  The same chic who's been running and cussing God out left and right?  Ha-ha, it made no sense to me.  But after thought and talking it over with my husband I agreed.  I terrifyingly agreed.  This took place in September, and the trip wasn't until June so I still had time to prepare, but how can you really prepare for something like that when you're doing everything you can to run away from God?  I couldn't....I knew my time would soon be up.  And God knew it too, that's why He almost went through the back door to get to my heart.  Yes, God is a gentlemen and would never push Himself on us, but He is also a Daddy and knows when we need rescuing.  

The trip took place during the first week of June.  So God knew almost 9 months beforehand that He was intervening for me.  He loves me that much that He'll plan that many months in advance for my hope and future.  When it came time for the trip I was not the same person I was back in September, but I also was not fully surrendered to Him like I should have been.  I knew that something was going to happen to me during it that would change that, but I didn't know what, or how.  Its now been a week since we've been back home from  Costa Rica and the things that happened to my heart while there have blown me away.  It's not been easy to face all that I have to face, to put the masks down and allow myself to fully feel, and fully be honest with myself, but I'm doing it.  And I'm doing it with a glad heart.  When I look back on all of the faith builders He gave me it encourages me to keep pressing in no matter how heavy the load gets.  Because He is faithful and because He has a reputation to uphold I know that He isn't going to let me down, or allow me to take it all on by myself.  It's awesome knowing that I'm loved that much that He would work on my behalf in spite of how much I hurt Him, or how far back I thought I had slided.  I'm so glad I never gave up....its never too late to lose the mask and allow the real genuine self to shine!!