when "no" = healing

I recently underwent allergy testing, as well as a septoplasty, to try to find the cause of too many months worth of sinus infections In the least, I thought I’d have allergens to grass, pollens, molds…things that were out of my grasp to totally change my exposure to. When the results of my tests came back I was in shock, and in clear denial, of the allergens that were affecting me. I had my hopes on the surgery being the cure all that would be a quick fix to my misery, not the changing my life by eliminating the things that were affecting me fix. I tested positive for cats, dogs, dust, molds, trees, weeds, peanuts, dairy, eggs & wheat. All I could think of was how clearly out of tune I was with my body that I didn’t know how the things I consume on a daily basis, bothered me. Never did I see an immediate reaction after eating peanut butter, drinking milk, or petting my animals. Obviously, that quick fix answer I was looking for was way off the horizon for me.

I did have the surgery done, and it did help a bit, but it hasn’t been the cure I was looking for. So that meant I had to re-examine my reality and ask myself just how much I wanted to feel better. Shortly after finding the results of my tests, I took to Facebook to complain and gripe about how I couldn’t have this and couldn’t have that. One of the responses back was to look at it as a period of giving my body a chance to heal by eliminating the things that bothered me. I liked that idea - but…..was it just another quick fix that I was looking for? Eliminate the allergens for awhile and then I’d be able to eat them again? I started out by eliminating a few things, and picking and choosing what I would allow in, even if I was allergic to it. But something still didn’t feel right. I was still depressed and overwhelmed at the thought of the “I can’t have this anymore” mentality. Eliminating was still such a burden, but at what cost to my body was I willing to pay to have those allergens back in my life just to make it easier on me?

By Gods grace I felt a little bit better by the “pick and choose elimination diet” I had started for myself. And by that same grace, He got a hold of me and asked me “what is My best for you?” I paired that with the statement of how staying away from the foods that were allergens, was healing to my body. Then I realized that I was doing myself a huge disservice by my griping and complaining, and by only eliminating certain things. At this very same time, I had a friend talk to me about asking God for healing from my allergies, and maybe attending a prayer service for deliverance from them. Immediately I knew that wasn’t the plan for me. I knew that God could heal me, but that it wasn’t meant to be a healing of miraculous deliverance. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God can (and does) do those things, but I also know He doesn’t do them all that time. When it is in His will, when it is best for the person who’s sick, He’ll do it that way. But for me, and God’s will for me, I think God wants me to go on a journey with Him.

When I accepted this, and really believed it to be God’s plan, a whole attitude shift happened. All of a sudden I was coming up with easy made up recipes in my head, of foods I could consume, and I didn’t miss the other things as much. And more importantly, I wasn’t griping and complaining as often as before. Instead of resisting the diet plan, I embraced it, and it got so much easier. And God has opened my eyes to that fact that He IS healing me…by giving me His best. His best for my body is to consume a wheat free, dairy free, peanut free and egg free diet. By the time next year comes around I may not have been miraculously delivered from food allergies, but I will have been healed from them. And not only that, I know that I know that by seeking this healing for my physical body, by seeking His best for my physical body, I will be gaining healing in other areas. How much can God grow me up just by disciplining me in the things I should eat for my body? How much more can I learn about seeking Him when I start out here? How many layers can He unpeel and strip away when I am daily leaning on Him and His best for me? It starts with the little things, and then He does the rest.

I am currently on allergy shots for the dog, cat, molds and tree allergens, and although it’s not an easy fix, in a few years my body will have built up enough tolerance that they won’t affect me anymore. As for the foods, the only easy fix is to avoid them altogether. In my own strength and power that is overwhelming, but when I am seeking for Gods best for me, I know that it means a whole lot more than just not having this, and not having that!

Living vs. Surviving

I want to die and let you give your life to me that I might live. –taken from the song, Make My Life a Prayer to You by Kathy Troccoli

Recently I watched a story about Gabby Giffords, the Congresswoman who suffered a gunshot to her brain and survived. I was so deeply inspired by her determination and will to live. She overcame tremendous odds just to survive, and is now overcoming even more odds by just how far she has come in therapy. What is that in her that keeps pushing her through every day? That question cannot be answered by science, or be explained through by DNA. No, you can only look at it and see that it was put there by our Creator. When He created us He gave us something inside that keeps us pushing forward when things are at their hardest. And that’s not all…..

I thought about this concept and how it applied to old life habits that are hard to die on their own, and how I made it to be where I am today. I lived through some areas of trauma as a child, and looking back I wonder how I was able to handle it. I did it because of what my creator placed within me. He equipped me with coping skills to make it to the next level. There are times I’ve been so hard on myself because of the way I've coped with certain circumstances, and I have to stop and remind myself to be grateful that I survived. I think God is ok with us carrying on with the coping skills we acquire in times like that, just as long as we don’t live there. That’s been a hard lesson to learn. So often with me I defined living by coping instead of surviving by coping. They are 2 totally different things. How short are we selling ourselves when we accept our coping skills as a way of life, instead of living a life that could be perfected by Him? As our creator, He doesn’t want to see us stuck in a place of struggle and pain, He wants us to use what we’ve been through as a way out, and way through, not a way of life. He gives us a responsibility to wait for the next level of maturing, once the coping skill has outrun it’s necessity. The best part of that is that He puts the burden on us, He wants us to choose. He’s a gentleman and will not barge His way in our life.

In each moment we find ourselves going through tough times, or places we know we are coping and not living, we should remind ourselves that that level is only temporary. God equips us with coping skills, but He more importantly wants to give us fuller life afterwards…..His life. We get into trouble when we allow the coping skill to become the way we define our life. That’s usually where world patterns begin to form, instead of living a God kind of life. We can only trust in that pattern for so long until it turns into something that hinders us, rather than helps us. We have to be open to Him, and prayerfully tell Him that we’re willing to die to those things in order to have life. Life not defined by a mere existence, but life more defined in a Psalm 18:30 (“As for God His way is perfect”) definition.

darkness cannot drive out darkness

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"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

When we look at how we view ourselves and how we’ve formed patterns throughout our lives, it will be easy to see if we’ve followed darkness or if we’ve followed light. I’m taking a step back and looking at my life from an inner child perspective. Too often we silence that child as we live out the day to day, not consciously, but just because we are focused on going ahead. We have goals, dreams and traits that shape most of our decision making on the forefront, while paying little attention to that inner child, who is basically our foundation as a person.

When the foundation of our life gets started in darkness, it’s something that is very hard to go back to and look at. That inner child that once had a voice, but lost it because of too many painful experiences, becomes someone you want to ignore rather than nurture. So as we live our life and grow, we end up trying to drive the pain deeper and deeper down so we won’t have to face it. We shut the inner child up and leave them stuck there. Thus, every choice or action you think you are making out of light and love, becomes tainted by the darkness. How can we love others when we never really loved ourselves? How can we respect others when we didn’t give ourselves enough respect to rise up and let our voice be heard? How many of our behavior patterns are influenced out of the pained and shunned child within who is really someone we hate?

I have lived my life hating myself, hating almost everything about me. I can give on the surface meanings as to why, but they are not the root. When I take a look back and allow that inner child to rise up, she will say that she is the reason I view myself with such disdain. That small child, who eventually took on everything that was put on her, became stuck. When bad things happened to her and she was faced with choices that were too hard for her, she became shame. As I grew, I didn’t want to take the shame with me so I shut her up and stuffed her down. The more I tried to be rid of the shame, the more I hated that little girl. So in essence I was driving out the hate by hating…..myself.

God recently started shining light on that little girl and slowly allowed me to see her in the light of His love. All it took was a little stepping back on my part to see how stuck and scared she is. When I’ve gone back to my past before, it was always to look at things that happened, or to work on forgiveness. I was able to work through forgiving others and eventually forgiving God, but I never allowed myself to forgive me. And that is the root core of so many issues in my life. I blame her for what others did to her, I blame her for not having a voice, I blame her for the times she did have a voice, and most especially I blame her for just being her. So I’ve lived all of these years trying to be separated from her, but where could she go? I’ve spent so much energy ignoring and hating her, instead of allowing her to complete who I am.

So with Gods light, I’m going to take a journey to rediscover her. I was resistant at first, but God showed me I didn’t have to immediately accept and love her. God simply asked me to get to know her from His heart and to look at her as someone that He loves very dearly. I was able to see and feel His tears as He allowed His love to shine down on her, and show me how much she was hurting. In my own efforts all I was able to do was shine more darkness on her, but with Him who is light, together we can show her the way out of that dark place. I need God and His light to see her better, and God needs me to eventually accept her so that I can finally be complete….in Him, in light, and not of darkness.