Sunday, April 25, 2010

Hand In/Hand Over Hand

Dave and I have been looking at our wedding pictures a lot since the death of his best friend. Dave's friend, Darren, was the best man at our wedding. While looking through photos and reliving the memories from that day, I noticed a picture of me with a very close friend, Sam. The picture was taken right after Sam gave me my wedding handkerchief. Sam has known me on and off since I was around 11 years old. She has been a lifesaver to me throughout my life, and it meant the world to me that she was there for my wedding.


I have looked at this picture many, many times over the past 9 years, but have never looked at it the way I did the other day. Take a look at our hands. We are holding hands, you might say. Yes, but there is more to it than that. If you take a closer look you might see that she is holding one of my hands, and I am holding one of her hands. That really, really struck me and got me thinking deeper about friendships, and especially now, after Dave just lost his best friend.

One of the things that keeps friends together for so long is that they are there for each other. I think it would be more than fair to say that Sam has been there for me many more times than I've been there for her. And looking at that picture is a huge reminder that I need to reciprocate to her (and all of my friends) more often. We all have friends that do so much for us, but how much are we giving back? There are so many people in my life that I take for granted. It's easy to take and take, but how often am I leaving myself open for someone to take from me? I don't want to be someone who always has their hand held, I want to be one that reaches out to hold a hand.

One of the definitions of friendship is: friendly feeling or disposition. Hmmm, I'm not crazy about the friendly feeling one. Looking deep within I can see that there have been times I didn't "feel" like being a friend. And to me, that is not what friendship is. Now, the disposition part I like. If I stay in that disposition despite my feelings, than that, to me, is more of a friend. So remember next time you are with your friends, get in position- one hand in, one hand over!

--------------------
A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. ~Douglas Pagels
----------------------

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Balance



Balance. One of the definitions for it is: mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgement, etc.


Autism. Sometimes the definition I can use to most describe this word is the exact opposite of emotional stability, mental steadiness or calm behavior. When combining the two words - balance and autism, mental steadiness is always hoped for, but somehow still rarely ever achieved. There is just something about autism that makes it seem like it knows when to push the envelope, push the buttons or cut through tape.


And I'm not referring to someone who has autism, but the whole picture of what autism is. One of the things Dave and I strive for when raising Ryan is balance. Every decision we make about therapy, outings, meals and family issues have to be carefully weighed so the scale doesn't tip too far one way or the other. There are numerous therapy avenues we have declined due to the impact on the whole family, especially to our youngest child. If we mostly focused on one family member what would happen to the other 3? So while we try to do all we can for Ryan, one of our rules is to not let what we do negatively impact the rest of the family.


As the boys have grown, one of the things that seems like it is getting more off balance is how much we have to tighten the rope for Nathan, but still need to give Ryan more slack. Quite a few times Nathan has become jealous of Ryan because Ryan has gotten out of something that Nathan was forced to do.


We started really teaching Nathan about Ryan's autism last year when he was around 5. I think he always knew Ryan was a little different, but never knew exactly why, and frankly I don't think it ever mattered to him. But in fairness, it was time for Nathan to know there was a reason why Ryan acted a little differently, that it had a word, and that it was the reason why things weren't balancing out the same way - for Ryan or for us. As time went on we were able to show Nathan just how Ryan's autism affected him, how it made him perceive things around him differently. That it wasn't just him being bad, being funny or being mean, but that he was reacting differently because he was taking everything in differently. Nathan has always been a fast learner, and although he didn't always like to be reminded about autism, he soon got it. I can remember so many times telling Nathan, "remember Ryan has autism so it's going to be a little different for him." "No, it's not fair but that's just the way that it is."


So now Nathan is 6 and I think he totally understands when Ryan is having a moment due to his autism. He's very perceptive and recognizes when Ryan may need some backup, in whatever fashion that may be. I'm always amazed when I see it at work in him, but really, the thing I'm seeing work in Nathan now is balance.


Websters definition of balance may not be very realistic in my world right now, but I will never stop striving for it. Just the other day I was in a frantic and frustrated mood because I couldn't stay on my schedule due to having to stop numerous times to make sure Ryan hadn't run off. The last time I checked on him I didn't see him, only his bike in the neighbors yard. This only increased my frustration and I said a few things under my breath that I wish I could take back. Just so happened that Nathan picked up on what was going on with me. He looked at me and simply said, "Moommm, autism." Nathan knew Ryan needed his back, and he knew that mom simply needed to be reminded that it wasn't Ryan acting out and running away. Wow, if that is not balance working I don't know what is!