Focusing on the Good Focuses Back

If you haven't already read my neighbor story, this blog post may not make alot of sense. So if you haven't yet - read this one first.


On my way out to water the tomato plant, one day this past week, I looked up and saw the most beautiful flower staring at me. I couldn't believe how quickly it opened up, but even more so, I couldn't believe that the flower most closest to our house opened up to have it's face pointing right in our direction!



What a small thing for God to do, but so big in my eyes. He is so close to us and He is always there. All He wants is for us to give Him control on the issues in our lives that we struggle with. I never ever thought I'd find freedom from this one, but step by step it's getting easier and easier.

He is awesome!
He is beautiful!
He is faithful!

Ryan CAN!

In 2005, I attended a leadership course put on by the State of TN, called Partners in Policymaking. It was a great course that gave me knowledge, courage, understanding and acceptance into other disabilities besides autism, and most importantly, self reflection at how I viewed disabilities.
One of the presenters that I saw over that 7 month period was Kathie Snow. Kathie challenged a lot of my thinking; making me laugh at times, mad as heck at times, and sad at times. But the biggest thing she did was to make me look inward into the way I was looking at Ryan. By the time the 2 day session had ended that weekend, my heart was changed.
Earlier this year, five years later, I took the time to write her to tell her just how much. I found out today that she included my letter on her website. I thought I'd share that letter on here because it speaks so much of what this blog is all about - the ups and downs of our journey with autism, and what I've learned because of it.

Go here to read...

And remember - "a green apple is more like a red apple than not!"

Focus on the Good

For the past 2+ years we have been living side by side with neighbors who are really un-neighbors. We've been looked down upon because we have a child who is a little different, and unfortunately, judged because Ryan doesn't behave in terms they find acceptable. It's been very difficult living next door to them...and not being able to escape the everyday reminders of the issues we have with one another. It's been hard to find closure because of the "don't talk to me and I won't talk to you" approach they've forced us to use, and to be honest, it has been a situation of bondage with me. It affected me more than I care to admit and turned me very bitter on the inside. It was also something I let attribute to sending me into a long depression.

Now that I'm seeing the light a little more each day, I am seeing that the monster I once called my un-neighbors aren't as scary as I made them out to be. I'm much less intimidated by them now, and can 94% say that they don't affect me. The situation is something I've really asked God to help me with. I know I can no longer allow the hate I feel towards them to be within me - acknowledging that was the first step. Since then, it's gotten better and better. Last week, God showed me something about the situation that grabbed a hold of me. It had to do with sunflowers, and recently with me, if God speaks sunflowers I know He is up to something good!

He had already been ministering to me about magnifying the good, and to stop focusing so much on issues and problems because they keep the good, that desires to be in me, - OUT!. There is a song on a worship CD, by Kim Hill, that I had been pressing the replay button on constantly. It's called, Be Magnified. And the words play over and over in my head....

When I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes, and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified
Oh Lord, be magnified

When we sing these kinds of cries out to God, really, there is nothing He can't do!

One day I looked out my window and saw the new garden our good neighbor (on the other side of us) had planted. This is the first year he's planted a garden and it has been fun to watch the growth of all the plants, and see the vege's take form. On this particular day, I looked out on the garden and remembered a conversation I had with this good neighbor. I had asked him what kinds of plants were in the garden. After he finished naming off the various vegetables that were in the ground he said, "and I stuck a few sunflowers in there just for the heck of it, even if they really don't fit in with a vegetable garden." When he first made that comment I could do nothing but chuckle on the inside because of my prior sunflower revelations.

After remembering the conversation, God showed me a vision of both of my neighbors, and then asked me to keep my focus on the good neighbor - and to allow the vegetable garden (with those few sunflowers) to be a focal point. He also reiterated to me that there was no need to keep on looking over at our un-neighbors and reliving what had happened with them. He wanted me to know that the more I look on the good, the more the bad gets washed away. I'm guessing that is a round about way to say He want's me to forgive. The thing that is so lovely about it is how much He knows how afraid of that word I am, but going about it in this way didn't seem quite so scary!

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you. Romans 12:2 TLB

Isn't it awesome that we serve a God who will go to such lengths just for us? It's even more awesome to think that in my own strength, I could not make the un-neighbor problem better, but He can...and He is!



The tall stalks in the back are the sunflowers. They haven't opened to show their glory yet, and I know that as I look at them each day, I'll have faith that just as God is growing them up to be unashamed and glorious, He is also doing the same within me. As I grow I will be able to look up, full faced to the Son, and not let little un-neighborly actions affect me - affect my heart. I may not always feel it, but I sure am glad for the little coincidental reminders He places on my path to remind me!

Mud & Muck = Beauty!

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Today I took a walk on the River Walk Trail, on the Harpeth River, in Franklin. When I first started out on the trail the above photos were what I saw along my path. The damage from the previous month's flood was still very apparent. It was surreal seeing how much destruction was still left weeks after the water was at a normal level again.

As I got higher and higher along the path, the view became increasingly better. I eventually got to land that hadn't been impacted by water at all. Soon vibrant green grass, tall trees with green leaves (instead of mud stained leaves), and beautiful bold flowers replaced the brown muck that coated all the leaves and trees on the first part of the trail. It took a bit of walking in dirt, smell and destruction until I got the the beauty of what is - Williamson County. And as I made my way around the bends and turns of the trail, I came to a house with the most beautiful color filled garden in the back. A garden with tall and bright sunflowers standing tall and proud, with their heads held high to their maker! (If you have not already read the previous post titled Sunflowers, Steps & Faith, please read that first!).

I had to stop and chuckle a minute at how ironic (or maybe not) it was to see these flowers after just having such an experience with them days before. Then I stopped and said, "OK, Lord, what is it You are speaking to me now?" I knew it was something in particular because one of the main reasons I chose this trail was to be close to nature to hear Him speak to me louder. I had set out to talk to Him, and the fact that there were sunflowers along my way was no coincidence at all!!

And then I was reminded of the above scripture - I will give them beauty for ashes!

And that was precisely the answer I'd been looking for! I needed to know there was a way out of some of the pain my journey had led me on. I needed to hear that it won't always be so hard. And, wow, did I ever get an answer!

You see, there are times in our walk where we will step in muddy trails, where destruction and chaos may be all around; but keep on walking, keep on climbing because soon the gardens and beauty will appear! When I started out on the trail it seemed like there was nothing around me but flood damaged surroundings; and I had to climb a ways out of it until I eventually reached the beauty of nature. The more I climbed the better it got. What if I had only went in a ways and thought, "this is all there is - I'm picking another trail"? I would have missed the beauty of the gardens, and more importantly, I would have missed His personal message to me - the sunflowers.

It's only been a short time that I've come back to the Lord, and honestly it has been a hard path; but I knew, when I started, that I had to stick with it. Something has always kept me wondering - this can't be all there is, there has to be more? And that is the path that I've been following - there is something enticing me to keep on going - that something is knowing that I know, that God is a good God and has more for us than mud and muck. Everyday I see beauty and answers that I would have missed if I gave up as soon as it got hard or dirty. And everyday I tell myself that it is worth it!

Just as beauty is promised for ashes, or joy for mourning, you can count on the answers you need if you are going through the mud lined trails of your journey. The answers are not far ahead; just stick with it and I'm certain the beauty at the end will be well worth the dirt under your feet!

Psalm 30:5

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Sunflowers, Steps & Faith

Isaiah 25:1

O, Lord, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,for in perfect faithfulness

you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

The past few weeks I have slowly been getting reaquainted with the real me - my heart. I gave God the invite to come back into my heart and take control. Since then, His faithfulness in showing me how much He loves me has been overwhelming; it has carried me through when I didn't want to take another step forward. One of the things He's done to capture me, and pull me in, is to show me His gentleness....along with His faithfulness.

I'm amazed by how carefully He plans for us, lines things in order for us, makes provisions for us, just because He wants us to know that He is there...for us.

I have a personal "for us" story, a story that started with a sunflower....and The Garden. Mrs. P., one of my former teachers, has been ministering to me about the sunflower.

Characteristics of the sunflower:

• glorious
• full faced to the Son
• unashamed
• transparent
• known for it's bountiful seed production.

There were many times when my head was sunken low in shame and defeat that I would think about the sunflower having an open face to the sky - to it's creator, and it would encourage me to keep my head up...and more importantly, to not give up! I practiced this a couple of times and it worked. It was a great reminder for me to remember to keep on going!

Soon after the sunflower reminder was planted in my heart, the time came to take our weekend getaway we planned months prior, to a retreat for special needs families. As the days approached for us to leave, I had alot of anxiety about stepping out of my shell and meeting new people. Still, because of how my walk with the Lord had been forming, I knew it was something that had supernaturally been lined up for such a time as this! And I got that reassurance on the day we left while checking my facebook page. A blog post from Whole Foods appeared in my feed about......sunflowers! It reassured me that He was with me, and that I needed to trust Him. I'm not saying it was easy to do, I'm just saying I knew that I was not alone - that I had backup!

When we got to the camp site later that day, I almost didn't want to get out of the car. So much of me wanted to turn around and go back to my comfy house where I was safe inside of my bubble. In those quick moments of anxiety it is easy to forget the reminders telling us that we are where we are supposed to be. I lost the battle of wanting to leave when out walked someone to greet us - I had to get out of the car! I did it afraid, but still -I did it! And looking back I realize that it is sometimes good to do things afraid. Part of my willingness to carry through with what I was afraid to do was showing the Lord that I was committed, and that I trusted Him - I was trusting Him enough to step outside of me to see what He had in store. When we were shown the cabin we were going to be staying in for the weekend, I was immediately drawn to a vase of flowers on the mantle. And by now you can probably guess what kind of flower they were - yep, sunflowers!

Seeing those gave me such a charge. I knew that I was taking the right steps forward - the steps of faith. There is nothing more boosting to your faith than seeing the confirmations! So that vase of sunflowers became one of my focal points for the weekend. There were times that I was as scared as can be to step out. I wanted to use that cabin as a shell and didn't want to leave it, yet those flowers were right there, next to the door, beckoning me out - telling me I had backup..to just do it! And again, I did it afraid - and again, it wasn't all that bad! I was able to work through my fear instead of giving in to it. Why? Because I had backup! Each step I took was faith, and in each step He was right there! Working through fear, with Him guiding me, is so much easier than working through fear all alone. When I do it alone I end up hiding, but when I do it with Him it leads to freedom!

On the last day of our stay, I finally began to get somewhat comfortable. My heart opened up considerably compared to the first day, and I could sense that God had His hand all in our weekend! The small steps I took, like getting out of the car on the first day, grew into bigger steps on the last day. I was able to open up enough and follow the direction God was leading me to. Each step he brings us on leads us to a place where we can be like the sunflower - transparent, unashamed, glorious and full faced to the Son! That is His heart for us!

Days later I heard greater confirmation about the sunflowers. Yes, that is how good God is! I simply emailed one of the hosts a link to website we had discussed. Out of that a correspondence grew, which led to the revelations of God's busy hand. Come to find out the sunflowers that were on our mantle were really not supposed to be there. They were actually meant for the tables in the pavilion room, but the hosts were not aware of that, so they put them on the mantles in the cabins. WOW, how awesome is that? He loves us so much that He would create accidental steps such as these, just for us!

One of the things that was said to me during the retreat was: "when we recognize His blessings, small or large, we recognize His love and it makes it so much easier to put one foot in front of the other when we really don't feel like it!"

So I encourage you to look for those reminders, look for the blessings - He's got them out there just for you!

Our Yard

Here is video of the flooding we are having in our yard. I'm so thankful it is not as bad at it is in Nashville, Franklin and other towns. The damage is so widespread here, in TN....so very, very depressing.

Hand In/Hand Over Hand

Dave and I have been looking at our wedding pictures a lot since the death of his best friend. Dave's friend, Darren, was the best man at our wedding. While looking through photos and reliving the memories from that day, I noticed a picture of me with a very close friend, Sam. The picture was taken right after Sam gave me my wedding handkerchief. Sam has known me on and off since I was around 11 years old. She has been a lifesaver to me throughout my life, and it meant the world to me that she was there for my wedding.

I have looked at this picture many, many times over the past 9 years, but have never looked at it the way I did the other day. Take a look at our hands. We are holding hands, you might say. Yes, but there is more to it than that. If you take a closer look you might see that she is holding one of my hands, and I am holding one of her hands. That really, really struck me and got me thinking deeper about friendships, and especially now, after Dave just lost his best friend.

One of the things that keeps friends together for so long is that they are there for each other. I think it would be more than fair to say that Sam has been there for me many more times than I've been there for her. And looking at that picture is a huge reminder that I need to reciprocate to her (and all of my friends) more often. We all have friends that do so much for us, but how much are we giving back? There are so many people in my life that I take for granted. It's easy to take and take, but how often am I leaving myself open for someone to take from me? I don't want to be someone who always has their hand held, I want to be one that reaches out to hold a hand.

One of the definitions of friendship is: friendly feeling or disposition. Hmmm, I'm not crazy about the friendly feeling one. Looking deep within I can see that there have been times I didn't "feel" like being a friend. And to me, that is not what friendship is. Now, the disposition part I like. If I stay in that disposition despite my feelings, than that, to me, is more of a friend. So remember next time you are with your friends, get in position- one hand in, one hand over!

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A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. ~Douglas Pagels

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Balance

Balance. One of the definitions for it is: mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgement, etc.

Autism. Sometimes the definition I can use to most describe this word is the exact opposite of emotional stability, mental steadiness or calm behavior. When combining the two words - balance and autism, mental steadiness is always hoped for, but somehow still rarely ever achieved. There is just something about autism that makes it seem like it knows when to push the envelope, push the buttons or cut through tape.

And I'm not referring to someone who has autism, but the whole picture of what autism is. One of the things Dave and I strive for when raising Ryan is balance. Every decision we make about therapy, outings, meals and family issues have to be carefully weighed so the scale doesn't tip too far one way or the other. There are numerous therapy avenues we have declined due to the impact on the whole family, especially to our youngest child. If we mostly focused on one family member what would happen to the other 3? So while we try to do all we can for Ryan, one of our rules is to not let what we do negatively impact the rest of the family.

As the boys have grown, one of the things that seems like it is getting more off balance is how much we have to tighten the rope for Nathan, but still need to give Ryan more slack. Quite a few times Nathan has become jealous of Ryan because Ryan has gotten out of something that Nathan was forced to do.

We started really teaching Nathan about Ryan's autism last year when he was around 5. I think he always knew Ryan was a little different, but never knew exactly why, and frankly I don't think it ever mattered to him. But in fairness, it was time for Nathan to know there was a reason why Ryan acted a little differently, that it had a word, and that it was the reason why things weren't balancing out the same way - for Ryan or for us. As time went on we were able to show Nathan just how Ryan's autism affected him, how it made him perceive things around him differently. That it wasn't just him being bad, being funny or being mean, but that he was reacting differently because he was taking everything in differently. Nathan has always been a fast learner, and although he didn't always like to be reminded about autism, he soon got it. I can remember so many times telling Nathan, "remember Ryan has autism so it's going to be a little different for him." "No, it's not fair but that's just the way that it is."

So now Nathan is 6 and I think he totally understands when Ryan is having a moment due to his autism. He's very perceptive and recognizes when Ryan may need some backup, in whatever fashion that may be. I'm always amazed when I see it at work in him, but really, the thing I'm seeing work in Nathan now is balance.

Websters definition of balance may not be very realistic in my world right now, but I will never stop striving for it. Just the other day I was in a frantic and frustrated mood because I couldn't stay on my schedule due to having to stop numerous times to make sure Ryan hadn't run off. The last time I checked on him I didn't see him, only his bike in the neighbors yard. This only increased my frustration and I said a few things under my breath that I wish I could take back. Just so happened that Nathan picked up on what was going on with me. He looked at me and simply said, "Moommm, autism." Nathan knew Ryan needed his back, and he knew that mom simply needed to be reminded that it wasn't Ryan acting out and running away. Wow, if that is not balance working I don't know what is!